Scott, To Be Certain

The Inherent Filth of Gwen Stefani

2008-11-16T10:11:00.001+11:00

With style, class, porcelain features, two children and a stable, 13 year relationship, Gwen Stefani is outwardly the picture of wholesomeness.

But inwardly, the voices of her inner slut will never be silenced.

Irrefutable evidence for this utterly un-outlandish statement can be found in the lyrics to her song "Bubble Pop Electric", appearing on her 2004 debut album (just two years after her marriage, the saucy minx).

The song is a tour-de-force of filth and innuendo, as she gets dealt a thorough servicing at the hands (among other things) of Johnny 3000 from out of Outkast.

Come on Johnny, when you gonna get here?

Employing that famous literary device "foreshadowing", Gwen hints at some later disappointment at a lack of urgency on Johnny's "part".

Alright just hold your pretty horses, I'll be there in a minute, you just get yourself dolled up toots and pick a place, you just pick a place

Johnny is presenting Gwen with her choice of orifice.

Um, Johnny?

Gwen is addressing Johnny.

Yeah, Gwenny-Gwen-Gwen?

Johnny is stuttering.

You might wanna hurry, because tonight is THE night

Johnny is finally going to get a good look at the back of Gwen's head.

I'm empty, I need fulfilling, yes I do love

Ever the fan of plays on words, Gwen pretends she's seeking fulfillment when in fact she just wants to be full-filled.

To the ceiling when I do love/I get this feeling when I'm in love

Well this is simply lazy-arsed songwriting from Gwen, hoping we won't mind that she's used the same word three times in the place of a rhyme. EPIC YAWN.

I'm restless/Can't you see I try my bestest/To be a good girl because it's just us/So take me now and do me justice

EPIC RECOVERY. The just us/justice couplet is sheer genius, and likely infers a bit of wrong-side-of-the-law role play between the horned up pop stars.

I'm waiting patiently, anticipating your arrival

To arrive is 'to make one's presence known'; also, 'to come'. Both of these definitions are likely to apply here.

And I'm hating that it takes so long to get to my house

Turns out Gwen ain't no two-minute tyrant either.

Tonight I'm gonna give you all my love in the backseat

A staggeringly unsubtle euphemism from Gwen.

Bubble, Pop, Electric

OMG, so Gwen was a virgin? That shit is bananas! (Also OMG - a vibrator?)

Gonna speed it down and slow it up in the backseat

OK then.

Uh-oh, in the backseat

Acting surprised won't fool anyone Gwen.

OK now, I understand he's on his way now/But jeez Louise I mean today now!/I can't wait I wanna play now

So Gwen is now officially and irretrievably gagging for it.

I'm antsy/Bubble pop electric pansies

Oh I get it you've been 'deflowered'. Nice one.

My sweet tooth, I want your candy

No explanation required.

The Queen of England would say it 'randy'

I'm not sure that she would.

I'm itchy/I wish you'd come and scratch me

Yet more impatience from Gwen.

Tonight I'm falling won't you catch me/Swoop on by so you can snatch me

The subtle imagery just keeps on, um, coming.

The need to be satisfied/Come pick me up I wanna ride

A quick change of positions then.

Hurry, hurry, come to me/Drive in movie/Drive in move me/Drive in to me

Well this is all very ambiguous isn't it.

THE, er, END

"Her name is Gwen and she's here to flash her vagina." - Margaret Cho

Art Imitating Life

2008-11-11T11:57:00.004+11:00

How is this news:

Well, maybe not the first.

Outgoing Stepford Wife

2008-11-10T11:41:00.001+11:00

Justine Henin's Tragic Legacy

2008-11-07T09:20:00.007+11:00

The election of Barack Obama has criminally overshadowed the fact that this stunning collection of gorgeous athletes is currently 'facing off' at the end-of-year WTA championships.

By happy and convenient coincidence, they are standing in order of their current rankings. From left to right they are Jelena Jankovic, Dinara Safina, Serena Williams, Ana Ivanovic, Elena Dementieva, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Venus Williams and Vera Zvonareva.

I could not resist blogging this, especially since S2BC has a particular fetish for the glamorous and elegance of women's tennis. A few discerning observations:

1. Could Svetlana's head be ANY MORE MASSIVE.
2. Vera has completely ruined the hand-on-thigh symmetry.
3. Serena's swashbuckling look raises suspicions she'll be playing with a sword.
4. It's great to see Yannick Noah available at short notice to fill in for Venus. It might also be that guy from Milli Vanilli (the not-dead one).
5. Everyone's dressed for coffee in Chapel Street except for Dinara, who looks on her way to a piano recital. For basketballers.
6. There is an average of 2 occurrences of the letter 'a' in each of their names.
7. The letter 'v' appears on average more than twice each. Nice one Vera.
8. It's impossible to look at Jelena Jankovic, the worst number 1 in history, without envisaging this:

But most of all, this is really the most astoundingly shit group of supposed year-end champions EVER. Surely we can mount a class action against Justine Henin for reckless abandonment?

Martina Apparently Still Likes To Hit It

2008-03-07T08:44:00.008+11:00

As we all know, Martina Hingis departed the sport of tennis in a flourish of ignominy late last year when it was revealed that she was rather partial to hitting the lines off-court as well as on.

"That 'snow' is taunting me so I refuse to view it"

But after just a matter of a few months it seems she's very quickly recovered from her forced retirement (by virtue of a two-year ban for a positive cocaine test), if this news report is anything to go by.

No word of a lie: Martina is returning to competitive tennis. In Liverpool!

"I'm so excited I fashioned a shirt from my mum's old purse"

Martina is scheduled to play the Liverpool invitational tournament in preparation for Wimbledon this year, because the tournament isn't subject to her tour ban.

The corker in this whole situation is that she's so pumped for her return to match play that she's manufactured a rather hilarious PR spin to the event.

Please fill in the missing word to this legitimate Martina quote.

"I am very much looking forward to playing the event and to visit all the things that have made Liverpool the European capital of C_ _ _ _ _ _ ."

Believe it or not, but the missing word is CULTURE.

CULTURE! LIVERPOOL! CAPITAL OF EUROPE!

Martina, any hope you ever had of exonerating yourself from the dreadful slur now inextricably associated with your name is lost forever following this claim which can only be explained by reference to drugs.

Céline Dion: Not Adept At Swallowing

2008-03-05T23:02:00.009+11:00

There have been many excellent comedy videos doing the YouTube circuit of late, each employing a clever brand of scripted humour to send half the world into hospital with laughter-induced injuries.

The suite of genius Brenda Dickson parodies, the inspired Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel videos (satirising their imaginary fuck-buddy relationships with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck respectively), and Mariah Carey's ridiculous new cip for her Samantha Fox/Tina Arena mash-up single "Touch My Body" (in which she appears now to own the hacienda from which she so expertly escaped in 1997's literally and figuratively seminal "Honey") are all fine examples of deliberate hilarity.

Yet, however side-splitting, these intelligent, carefully staged comic moments are no match for the less common but doubly impressive brand of unintentional comedy.

To this end, I bring to you below the sheer genius of Céline Dion.

The destitute Canadian songstress donated $US1m to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort in 2005 during a televised interview with Larry King. What was notable about the interview was that Céline, who experiences human emotion more acutely than anyone in history, virtually collapses from sadness during discussions about the devastation in the affected areas.

What could possibly be funny about this, you ask? Certainly, it is now very clear that the government response to the disaster was indeed woefully inadequate, and the level of human suffering was indeed unacceptable.

But Céline's particular phraseology, her endearing ESL English, and the uniqueness of a megastar imploding on camera make this indescribably memorable viewing. Please note that the video below has been innovatively doctored in certain obvious respects by one enthusiastic viewer, but the interview is otherwise entirely genuine.

Enjoy:

Since there is, in fact, such a multitude of wonderful moments in this video, I have constructed the following survey. Please participate and select your favourites (you can choose more than one).

more at twiigs.com...

To witness the extent to which this video has inspired the world, please also view this mini-gem:

Suicide And Other Pursuits Preferable To Psychometric Testing

2008-03-01T00:24:00.007+11:00

In this complex tableau we call 'life', we are every so often struck by moments of sheer clarity, moments so beautiful in their simplicity and directness that for a brief time the rest of the world falls away.

Yesterday, I had one of those moments. It was during a psychometric numerical reasoning test, when I was overcome by a virtually irresistible compulsion to drive the two pencils before me straight through my eyeballs with as much brute force and speed as possible.

OMG where can I find one of these

For those of you who are unaware, S2BC is to the fullest extent practicable a numbers-free zone - with the exception, of course, of the S2BC countdowns, the most recent of which (the Idol Top 20) is to be completed very shortly. ("We're not remotely convinced by that" - The World)

This is because I am in every imaginable way the most innumerate thinker on the planet. I can calculate sums reasonably swiftly and accurately, but anything beyond that is legitimately nausea-inducing for me. The Financial Review makes me nervous and queasy, Excel spreadsheets make me want to throw up and the moment the business report begins during the nightly news is precisely when I mentally retreat into my own private world of carousels and circus music.

Now I don't know what I was expecting before commencing this psychometric testing. Realistically, despite having some cursory prior experience with such testing, I believe I was clinging against my better judgment to the hope that the test might feature my preferred type of intellectual questioning along the lines of 'identify the next number in this sequence' or 'which of these shapes does not belong'.

Instead, there was something like this:

Followed by question:

"In year 3, half of the value of the gain made in Fund A was derived from monies that had been transferred from Fund C. What would the value of Fund C have been if some ugly but enormously endowed woman began breastfeeding her puppy while riding a unicycle?"

Or something similar. That is a rough approximation of my capacity for concentration when presented with numerical data: I immediately escape into a world of amusing unlikelihoods, while the numbers themselves dance around the page, laughing hysterically and sardonically at my malaise.

As an amusing post-script, and speaking of unlikelihoods: I passed the test. I didn't scoop my eyes out with a pencil, and the relevant prospective employer generously "invited" me for a further interview. But by this time I had tired of them and their stupid fucking test so I declined.

I am now miraculously employed by an institution that saw fit not to include psychometric testing in its recruitment. In future, I will not partake in any such form of testing, unless it contains something like this:

Now that's a test we'd all enjoy, is it not?

Introducing Tildia Swindard MP

2008-02-21T00:40:00.019+11:00

In a thrilling development for both left-wing politics and the thinly lipped, Julia Gillard has been named Australia's 2nd most sexy woman (or, according to the dubiously erudite The Age Online, the second "most sexiest").

Julia sexily considers the literacy levels of the nation's journalists

It's clear that such a public endorsement of the Deputy Prime Minister's breathtaking sensuality was merely a matter of time. Now that it's been predictably but sensibly acknowledged, we can set about casting The Julia Gillard Story with some seriously Hollywood ambition.

There's really only one woman for the role.

With the same style and confidence with which Julia herself sashayed into the country's runner-up position at Australia's most recent political pageant, so has one individual announced herself as the logical candidate for the singular role of Julia Eileen Gillard.

That's right - Scottish actress Tilda Swinton*, one of the most memorable and high profile bloodnuts the world has seen.

Tilda is an entertainment marvel, delivering Oscar-calibre acting turns in Orlando, The Deep End and most recently The Chronicles of Narnia and Michael Clayton. She is also the only human capable of turning up to a media-saturated awards function with no make-up draped in a kimono-themed stage curtain adorned with 100 dead tarantulas and still appear elegant.

That was last week at the BAFTAs, where she won Best Supporting Actress for Michael Clayton*, in which she played a ruthless, amoral and critically self-doubting corporate lawyer. That only one of these words applies to the splendid Julia Eileen Gillard is no barrier to Tilda's suitability for the latter role.

Why? Well, for starters, politicians answer a lot of questions, sometimes even over the phone. Tilda is highly skilled at the latter pursuit.

She also bears more than a passing resemblance to Ms Gillard.

It is, however, true that Tilda carries a necklace rather more dramatically than her potential muse.

But that takes nothing away from the striking sense of perfection inherent in this piece of casting. How might one talk to Tilda and Julia's respective 'people' about such a project?

"You could call me on my massive phone and I'll consult my tiny watch (if I can locate the hands)"

Oh, does it not simply ring of a classic-in-the-making? Can you not imagine Julia sticking it to George Clooney in the climactic Michael Clayton scene?

"I am Julia, Goddess of brooches"

Incidentally, this intriguing piece of punctuation is also called a tilde (pronounced 'tilda'):

It's a Spanish word, from the Latin titulus, meaning 'title', such as 'MP'. Linguistically, it sits daintily atop some letters in some languages to designate a change in pronunciation, such as nasalisation, as exemplified by any word pronounced by Julia Eileen Gillard.

Julia sexily learns of being cast as an aristocrat in a Merchant Ivory film

*GOOD LUCK AT THE OSCARS ON SUNDAY TILDA!

Backstage Pass

2008-02-14T10:38:00.002+11:00

Oops! I Did What I Did

2007-11-01T14:34:00.000+11:00

International role models Ben Cousins and Britney Spears have been hot topics in papers and on radio overnight.

And what journalistic gold has surfaced in relation to their latest exploits!

In Ben's case, it appears he has gone AWOL in Malibu, never quite making it to the rehab centre where he was to recommence his treatment for his ongoing bothersome addictions to both ice and to just generally being irresistibly attractive to both sexes.

It's even received coverage on the infamous Perez Hilton blog, likening his decline to that of Britney.

It seems trite at this juncture to invoke Amy's Swinehouse but they truly did try and make him go to rehab, and his response does seem to have been the resounding equivalent of "no, no, no".

"Um, you might like to rephrase that"

Anyway, in the The Age today, a concerned member of Ben's entourage is quoted as saying:

"No one has any idea where he is... He's got everyone freaking out because LA's not a good place to be out doing what he may be doing..."

Now there are several curious observations to be made about this statement.

Firstly, "what he may be doing" is a fascinating and incongruous use of hypothesis given Ben's recent history.

And secondly, I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER PLACE TO BE DOING IT. Ben has simply seized an opportunity in the most exciting adult playground on the planet, as you bloody well would, wouldn't you? Good on him. And they say it never snows in Hollywood!

As for Britney, the latest chapter of My Life: The Ongoing Debacle by Spears, Ms. B. is a riotous tale of self-preservation and sudden hygiene.

Also reported today, Britney was interviewed by Ryan Seacrest on morning radio in the US, defending her parenting and decrying the cruelty of people thusly:

"People say what they want and do what they do and it's sad how cruel our world can be..."

Of course they do Britney. The concurrent Say What You Say™ and Do What You Do™ movements are enjoying an apex in their popularity at present, as we all know.

"People talk and they say what they want at the end of the day, you know, in the tabloids and in the magazines... But you just try to keep on doing what you do..."

With each day it's becoming even more amazingly apparent how insightful and succinct Jessica Mauboy is as a lyricist, isn't it?

This is the best bit of the article reporting the interview:

"The interview ended abruptly when Britney left to take a shower."

I LOVE IT. Now that she has hair again, perhaps she was simply excited about lathering up with a palmful of Head & Shoulders?

Idol Top 5, Or How Natalie Learned To Stop Worrying And Become The Bomb

2007-10-28T22:18:00.001+11:00

A tardy but no less warm hello to all and, because I'm feeling particularly inclusive, to sundry et al (where by "Al" I obviously mean Paul Simon).

It's true, S2BC has been about as lively and regular as a constipated quadriplegic of late, and for that you have my sincere apologies. I blame this principally on that pesky hindrance often referred to as "employment". It has a reputation for being somehow worthwhile (apparently it's financially advantageous) but in reality the periodic increases enjoyed by one's bank balance are usually, in my experience, offset by the diminution of one's will to live.

"At least you have a job"

Don't even get me started. It's possible my blogging lethargy was an intuitive foreshadowing of this divine woman's demise, one of the saddest days in the history of reality television. That this sassy, witty, hilarious and incisive interviewer - matched only by Andrew Denton in this country - is out of work not only signals the death knell for Big Brother (which will now literally be unwatchable under the custodianship of wretched reality TV monopoliser Kyle and devil incarnate Jackie O) but also begins to make unemployment sound rather sexy.

In terms of Idol, it's even more likely that my trips to the blogging well may also have decreased on the simple basis of a desperately underwhelming season.

My own personal 'snap' occurred when one of this season's most interesting performers, Ben McKenzie - who delivered the 2nd best performance of the season in "Mad World" and introduced Imogen Heap to the tweens - was turfed in 7th place. I was both devastated and yet completely unsurprised by this result, since the cyclical nature of this competition has taught us to always expect a frontrunner's demise on the back of a collectively disappointing mid-series performance show - this dependable formula for tragedy saw us lose Ricki-Lee after the Beatles' Night debacle in Season 2, Anne Robertson after the hilarity of Season 3's Motown night and last year Bobby Flynn at the same juncture.

The snap was then reinforced a week later when Kyle, seeing no reason to discontinue the show's disturbing fondness for gay double entendres, declared that the Australian public had "arseholed Ben". Classy. In addition, Marty Simpson was still inexplicably around: as of the Top 6, he was the only competitor not to receive a touchdown, which, as random they may now seem, is really all you need to know.

In many ways I felt burnt out by Idol, unable to summon any semblance of enthusiasm for any of the remaining competitors.

Until now.

My heart, and this competition, now belongs to Natalie Gauci.

Last night, Natalie erased every single one of her less-than-amazing moments - that time she declared Alan Jones Australia's best journalist, those hungry-crotched semi-final pants, that ghastly thematic interpretation of "Rehab" - and replaced them with a scorching, unforgettable get-out-of-my-fucking-way-as-I-stride-closer-to-that-recording-contract-thanks-very-much claim to the Idol throne.

It all started when she took to the stage with the kind of gorgeous, shiny hair that screamed unequivocally, "Get fucked Jessica Mauboy". Not content with cementing her place as next year's face of [INSERT BRAND], Natalie eased into a rendition of the Divinyls classic "Boys In Town" which initially appeared like an audition for the 3rd Veronica but which soon morphed into the kind of bold, attitude-laden but still technically excellent, broadly imagined and fully realised stage performance from an actual musician rarely seen on the show.

Sure, there was some obvious choreography, but there was also musicianship and stagecraft. There's simply no mistaking the passion and skill inherent in a performance which ultimately calls for a revision of S2BC's Top 20 Greatest Idol Performances. (YES, I will finish it, and this time, I will take Jessica's anthem one step further and commit to doing what I say. How about that?)

This was clearly the performance of the season, and the best and most worthy touchdown since Damian Leith's "Wicked Game" (No. 10 in the countdown).

What makes this stunning effort all the more impressive is that it is her first truly original moment.

Her previous highwater marks - Nina Simone's "Feelin' Good" and Rihanna's "Umbrella" - were excellent but not altogether imaginatively realised. The first came at the right moment (in the Wild Card round amid a sea of mediocre competition) but resembled Fantasia's infamous "Summertime" theatrics far too closely (seated intro, similar genre and era), while the latter was a virtual copy of Mandy Moore's recent and far superior cover (even if Nat did dress up like a human piano and provide some visual irony by performing the song with drenched hair).

But never before had anyone STOOD ON A FUCKING PIANO IN HIGH HEELS.

In the most important of ways for both her fans and the entire Idol franchise, the performance was a reminder that Natalie is serious about becoming a real artist. And as a bonus for all the reality TV haters, Natalie has the requisitely genuine/struggling Missy Higgins-style profile too: did anyone else realise she was almost unearthed by Triple J? Her original music (accessible by the above link) is highly listenable - do yourself "a favour".

The rush of new love is blinding, but bear with me as I summon sufficient interest to cast a cursory glance at Natalie's nearest competition.

5. Jennifer Connolly, "20 Good Reasons" (by Thirsty Merc)

Jennifer, pictured above left in last week's pretty night-dress and denim ensemble, delivered yet another turgid ballad - straight from Marcia's Absolute Favourites Vol. 7,614. I bear him no ill will, but both the hair and the boring performances are indictable. Add to that the inane fashion, and you have your frontrunner at risk.

4. Marty Simpson, "These Days" (by Powderfinger)

Not the worst performer of the night, but still the most baffling member of the Top 5 since Hayley Jensen. Extra points for actually caring. And a giant retrospective high five to Andrew G for last week's catty pearler to Marty, his best contribution to the show in five years: "I guess you can get smashed by the waves or learn to surf."

3. Carl Risible, "Reminiscing" (by Little River Band)

It pains me to acknowledge that Carl was last week's best performer (perhaps another reason I chose to remain in silence). Last night he was insipid but tolerable, if a little too trigger-happy on the Mifsud epileptic hand tribute. (Mifsud's departure was one of this season's most just results: he was horrendous last week, absolutely murdering Esky Mojo's brilliant "From The Sea", one of the best Australian rock songs of the last 10 years.)

2. Parasite Williams Vushe, "When It All Falls Apart" (by The Veronicas)

I haven't heard such empassioned public debate about fakeness since the great Demet and Andrew tussle of BB07. To be frank, I couldn't really see what Dicko and Mark were talking about: whether Parasite's onstage fury was manufactured or channelled directly from her premenstrual soul, this was still an exciting performance, with all the hallmarks of a desperate attempt to revive Destiny's Child. She's a highly annoying individual with nothing to call on but her voice (and even then it's only appealing in the lower register and when softly used), which amounts to a fairly boring musical proposition in a Natalie-plus-piano-and-heels world - but this particular performance bore none of the qualities they accused her of. Perhaps it was simply the judges' aim to elicit a fiery response from Tarisai for once. It worked. Whatever the case, the issue prompted the most philosophical moment of Kyle's life, whereby he morphed from mean judge into advice columnist (and actually made sense), leaving the dirty work to Mark and Dicko. Meanwhile, Marcia decided not to help out a sister-girlfriend, electing instead to say nothing. Deciphering the meaning behind this enigmatic response has been the highlight of my day. Any thoughts?

So there you have it. Only one of the following contestants is worth getting excited about.

To the left, to the left

Thank you all for your heartfelt enquiries as to my whereabouts and well-being over the last week or so. Never fear, it's not Scott, To Be Curtains.

Like sexy and Backstreet before it, S2BC is back.

"Do What You Do, Say What You Say": Inside The Vast Mauboy Oeuvre

2007-10-22T00:11:00.000+10:00

Jessica 'Rhinestone' Mauboy was last year's Idol darling, using her runner-up status to catapult herself into the coveted Young Divas place vacated by Ricki-Lee (ignoring the latter's pleas not to touch it).

In addition, this year Jessica is the face (and hair) of Head & Shoulders, a fact reinforced by repeated airings of the relevant ad approximately 25 times per Idol episode.

It's a corker of an ad, about 20 seconds long, featuring a haunting performance by Jessica. On the whole, it is a stunning contribution to pop music:

In the ad, Jessica plays an enormous star with full-bodied hair, making references to bothersome ever-present spotlights and a need to remain presentable under them (see also above photo for irrefutable evidence).

Putting the Academy on notice, she delivers a convincing portrayal of somebody who actually has recorded output as a music artist. This is principally thanks to the rousing lyric of the song she performs in the ad:

"Do what you do/Say what you say/You know it's not over..."

This amazing lyric is so stirring and anthemic that we all instantly want to adopt it as our personal slogan. In fact, it's possible there hasn't been such a socially unifying act in this country for many years.

Is it too late to submit it for the ARIAs? This is surely one of the finest 4 seconds of songwriting genius the world has seen, devastatingly performed by Jessica, and dandruff-free to boot. What more could you possibly want from a pop icon?

To join this superstar's fan club and access her vast back catalogue of other imaginary hits, click here.

Please note that my review of last night's Idol may appear a day or two late this week. But don't fret: it will appear. Because I DO WHAT I DO and SAY WHAT I SAY. Know what I'm sayin'?

Idol Top 7: Jumping The Shark

2007-10-14T19:25:00.000+10:00

There have scarcely been more obvious truisms than this: I simply love Australian Idol.

I love it with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

I love it with the abandon of Jennifer Keyte wrestling playfully with a handsome bottle of Veuve Cliquot on a summer's afternoon.

I love it with the kind of obsessive commitment shown by Rebecca De Mornay and a breast pump circa 1992; or like Nicolas Cage about 3 years later when presented with Elisabeth Shue's nipples and a whole lot of bourbon.

"If you lick this off my chest I could get an Oscar nomination"

But that love is now irreversibly in decline. Tonight we bore witness to incontrovertible proof that the show has jumped the shark.

'Jumping the shark' is a term which derives from an episode of Happy Days where the Fonz literally waterskis over a shark, a plot point deemed so preposterous that it signaled the decline of the show. In the intervening years the term has inveigled itself into pop culture to designate the moment where a once popular and successful show is identifiably past its peak.

The above photo is actually a fitting selection for this post's message: it shows Nicolas Cage and Elisabeth Shue in their Oscar nominated roles for Mike Figgis' Leaving Las Vegas, a career apex for both (Cage even won that year). They've been rubbish ever since.

And so it is for the once-good Australian Idol. The bourbon and bare breast heyday of Guy, Cosima, Paulini, Anthony, Chanel, Casey, Ricki-Lee, Damien and Jessica is already a vestige of yesteryear, replaced by the B-movie mediocrity and misplaced ego of this year's batch.

Now don't get me wrong: no-one is particularly terrible, but then neither is anyone particularly good.

Let's turn to the history books for a bit of a comparison.

The corresponding week in years' past delivered to us the following unforgettable and justly lauded performances.

"When Doves Cry" by Guy Sebastian (No. 8 in S2BC's All-Time Greatest List)
"Freeway of Love" by Paulini (No. 12)
"The Prayer" by Anthony Callea (No. 4)
"I Have Nothing" by Ricki-Lee Coulter
"Special Ones" by Casey Donovan
"River Deep, Mountain High" by Emily Williams
"Constant Craving" by Chanel Cole (No. 15)
"Wicked Game" by Damien Leith (No. 10)

The Series 5 competitors tonight served us up a mess of such vulgar ordinariness that I half expected plaintive bugles to be playing over the credits. It's hard to imagine they're part of the same show that produced the above roll call of fondly remembered alumni, half of whom are now Young Divas by either profession or demeanour.

As for rankings? Despite the presence of Carl and Marty, it's actually difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff: everyone was resoundingly off the mark. If I had to, I'd probably do it this way:

7. Marty Simpson, "Now We're Getting Somewhere" (by Crowded House)
6. Carl Risely, "Turn Your Love Around" (by George Benson)
5. Jennifer Connolly, "Another Day In Paradise" (by Phil Collins)
4. Natalie ~~Mouskouri~~ Gauci, "Endless Love" (by Diana Ross & Lionel Ritchie)
3. Daniel Mifsud, "Billie Jean" (by Michael Jackson)
2. Ben McKenzie, "Higher Ground" (The Chilli Peppers' version of Stevie Wonder)
1. Parasite Williams Vushe, "I Knew You Were Waiting" (by Aretha Franklin & George Michael)

But with qualifying statements that Tarisai wouldn't even get past Day 2 of the American Idol auditions on the basis of last night and that, if you closed your eyes, Marty and Carl actually weren't horrible. In short: a hodge podge.

There are, however, a couple of important individual observations to make.

Jennifer Connolly, continuing his march toward becoming the most overrated but nonetheless runaway victor in the show's history, chose a song that was actually released the year before he was born, performed it with the emotion of a toothbrush and then, on being criticised for the first time by the judging panel, declared that "1990 wasn't a very good year for music".

WTF?

1990 gave us The Pixies' excellent Bossanova album, Wilson Phillips' peerless "Hold On", Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love", Aerosmith's "Janie's Got A Gun", "Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega, Belinda Carlisle's "Summer Rain", Madonna's "Vogue", Kylie's "Better The Devil You Know" and Depeche Mode's brilliant Violator album. Sure - Jennifer wouldn't touch any of these songs with a barge pole (unless he could slow them down mournfully and turn them into clever laments) - but for him to make a statement like that in defence of his choice to sing a terrible Phil Collins song in boring fashion when that song wasn't even from the relevant year is simply frustrating.

Meanwhile, Natalie continues to yearn for the heyday of her youth on the arm of Sonny Bono.

And Tarisai made another pitstop on her tour of homages to crazy-haired sister-girlfriends. This week: Janet circa Velvet Rope, and Kelis circa hating someone.

And that's pretty much as interesting as the contestants got last night.

In such times of woe, thank goodness for Marcia Hines.

Methinks there was a little extra sumtin' sumtin' packed into Marcia's pick-me-up powder this week, based on her mesmerisingly quotable output.

Dressed like a jaffa in Buddhist curtains, she stormed out of the gate with this, to Ben:

"You were born the year you sang that song!"

This pearler came in a fit of uncommon fury from Marcia, who was riled up over ongoing criticism being levelled at Ben by Mark and Dicko. She slammed down her fist, said "shit" and uttered this at the peak of her anger, but it's the most sense she's made in a while.

Then, to Marty:

"Sitting on the stool gives you nice and solid."

It's possible she meant to say "shitting a solid gives you a nice stool" - it's such a tongue-twister.

To Daniel:

"That happens to be one of my favourite songs, and I was lucky enough to see Michael Jackson perform it live back when he was Michael Jackson."

And finally, to Jennifer Connolly, whose vibrato had just been dissed by Mark and Dicko:

"Tons of people have built amazing career around their vibrato, people like Deni Hines..."

[INSERT SEVERAL MINUTES OF LAUGHTER]

Oh Marcia. No matter that Deni is actually an excellent example of the point you were trying to illustrate - Deni's version of "Ain't No Sunshine" is probably the definitive version globally thanks to her distinctive vibrato - but name-dropping your own daughter in the same breath as the words "amazing career"... well, there's just no accounting for a mother's love.

So who will be leaving us? After a night of collective averageness, it's anyone's guess. For mine, I think it's Marty's time after a week's reprieve, but the girls could just as easily be in danger too.

The show itself, I fear, has already left the building.

Idol Top 8: UK Not Be Serious

2007-10-08T11:40:00.000+10:00

Hello viewers!

I have finally returned from my two week sojourn in the Orient, in which I climbed the Great Wall, consumed copious amounts of duck, dumplings and tea, and learned to dramatically summon mucus from the deepest, darkest depths of my digestive tract for immediate disposal anywhere, anytime, and preferably when extremely busy.

No ellipses either, kthx

Sadly, I viewed no such discouraging signage: it remains a national pastime, and they are proud of it. I believe most Chinese smokers (overwhelmingly men) maintain their habit simply to ensure an ample reservoir of future chesty output. So I thought: when in ~~Rome~~ Beijing...

By and large China, upcoming host nation of the Olympics, is eager to portray its people as patient and considerate and who don't require signage that makes nasty assumptions. (Except when they do.)

A decent skill they are equally obsessed with is the art of the massage, particularly that of the foot. Some practitioners fancy themselves skilled in "special massage", which I discovered first hand, so to speak. If only I'd been female I might have also taken advantage of this bargain:

Now onto all things Idol.

Thank you to Woodsman who caretook S2BC in magnificent fashion in my absence. He has again blogged some tidbits from last night on his own site, Billable Units - do pay him a visit to ensure he makes those musings weekly.

The "theme" last night was 'Brit Pop'. For my return, The Marcia God actually dressed as God for the first time, draped in my parents' late 70s dining room curtains. There simply had to be some sandals underneath that desk to complete the ensemble, don't you think?

As for the contestants, they put on a fairly decent hour's worth of entertainment, which was mercifully straightforward and filler-free (just the performances and judges' comments - whooda thunk it?).

So how do they sit this week?

8. Jacob Butler, "Let It Be" (by The Beatles)

Oh how deliciously ironic that in BRIT POP WEEK, his absolute favourite genre, Jacob puts in the worst performance of the night, complete with botched falsetto and embarrassing faux dramatic posturing with the microphone stand. This career is not going to happen: perhaps he should look no further than his own name for an alternative. Mark still valiantly tries to find positives in Jacob's defence, but Dicko was beautifully blatant, also seizing the opportunity to label "Let It Be" a dog of a song. Of course, expert songwriter Marcia doesn't think there was ever a dog of a Beatles song, but she's wrong - there was "Salty Dog", from their Magical Mystery Tour album, which must be one of the most unsubtle examples of lyrical imagery in musical history.

7. Barty Simpson, "Naïve" (by The Kooks)

Barty inexplicably mimicked the British accent of the original vocal for most of this performance, not entirely dissimilar to that adopted by Kylie Minogue about 3 weeks after her first trip to the UK. He's clearly on borrowed time and it's painful to watch, with Dicko taking the unprecedented step of appealing to viewers not to vote for Barty on the basis that the show is an inappropriate medium for his talent. He even euphemistically asked for Barty to be euthanased, which one truly wishes were an actual ongoing voting option on this show.

6. Carl Risible, "Can't Buy Me Love" (by The Beatles by way of Michael Bublé, WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE)

Utterly mediocre and virtually unlistenable, another example of his style aptly described last week by Woodsman as "spoken word". There's no semblance of vocal strength or control anywhere here, and the one-note nature of all his performances is fatiguing. Somehow Mark disagreed, commending Carl on "staying in his niche", or perhaps it was 'niece', but either way it sounds like something Mark would advocate. Meanwhile Marcia commended him on his props, which as usual amounted to nothing more than a skinny necktie and a microphone. Well, there was also that wet garbage bag mascarading as a leather jacket. WTF?

5. Natalie Gauci, "Rehab" (by Amy's Winehouse)

I have no doubt that Natalie shares some of Amy's white girl soul sensibility, but this was a woeful song choice. It's an utterly amazing song, musically and lyrically, but it's so idiosyncratic and specific to Amy's life experience that taking it as an allegory is simply not possible. It's like saying the Dixie Chicks' "Not Ready To Make Nice" isn't just about responding to the media fallout of their anti-Bush comments, but also more broadly a haunting anthem for people uniquely unprepared for holidaying in the south of France.

4. Daniel Mifsud, "Message In A Bottle" (by The Police)

This guitar wishes it was a cane, Vaudeville style

It pains me to put him above Natalie, who is a far better contender. But based on last night - more thanks to Natalie than to his own output - he belongs here. It was adequate, although for the second consecutive week, Daniel showed that he genuinely believes enlisting some mournful strings and slowing down an otherwise uptempo song equates to cleverness. Dicko understands the folly of this strategy, but Marshmallow Mumu Marcia thinks that what the show is about. It's also clearly about playing songs exclusively from her vast Favourite Songs repertoire - this one is allegedly part of her "tapestry". Is that what she was wearing?

"I love that song too"

3. Ben McKenzie, "Wonderwall" (by Oasis by way of Ryan Adams)

This poor boy is being subjected to some of the most uncomfortably repetitious and almost predatory gay double entendres in the show's history. James Mathison introduced Ben with a tongue in (butt) cheek reference to his potential elimination tomorrow night, a misjudged bit of attempted humour that sounded exactly like cheeky post-coital banter, coming on the back of (<-- do you see what I did there?) last week's "If you want to get behind Ben..." Andrew G was in on it too, putting his hand on Ben's lower back and declaring, "This is what behind the scenes of Ben McKenzie looks like", then dropping the words "extra long 12 inch" into the following sentence, topping it all off with the enquiry "Do you get nervous when you're here?" HE IS 16, for Marcia's sake! And a Hillsong member (allegedly [thanks Franklin!] one of 4 in the top 8!)! Hang on, that's probably rather appropriate.

2. Jennifer Connelly, "Bittersweet Symphony" (by The Verve)

Looking like a jockey sponsored by David Jones, Jennifer sang about "all the roads he's been down" as though describing aisles in David Jones, where his Mum probably exclusively shops. The only genuine angst this boy has experienced is on the shitter after a particularly fiery chili con carne. Kyle summarised the production goals for this year's series when he said to Jennifer, "You could be a worldwide star." That's something Idol has never produced, so the producers are seeing their meal ticket with this guy, who could be the first slim, good-looking Australian winner ever. It explains Mark doling out the touchdowns willy-nilly, nonsensically distributing another here. But it was at least better than Daniel's last week, was stronger in most departments than everyone bar Tarisai and there's no denying he's interesting to watch.

1. Parasite Williams Vushe, "Somebody To Love" (by Queen)

The night was clearly Parasite's, who took her inspiration this week from some very successful bitches.

And girlfriend sho nuff done brought it on home! Mm-hmm. This performance was both extremely well executed and very clever: she balanced her trademark shouts with some gentle and beautifully controlled moments, and by introducing it as "A little song about me" she ensured that past criticisms of her failure to connect with song lyrics were obliterated. Freddie Mercury's words here lent themselves spectacularly to Tarisai's particular type of vulnerability ~~as a single, diminutive, psychotic, God-obsessed non-Australian~~ and allowed her to build the song memorably. There was light, shade, and various other components of a midsummer afternoon in a park, but ultimately this was ABOUT HER: "Everyone wants to put me down, they say I'm going crazy..." It was imbued with such a torrent of genuine feeling that we instantly forgive her those couple of bung notes.

It elicited the first quadruple standing ovation from the judging panel in a very long time. Marcia said she's feeling Tarisai, a disturbing admission; Kyle wanted to feel her, because she also looks like a black Tamara Jaber; meanwhile Mark tried to pull the poor bitch right off the stage with his touchdown high five tae kwan do move. It was a deserved touchdown performance - the ONLY ONE THIS YEAR MIGHT I JUST ADD.

My pick? Marty to go if they wisely follow Dicko's advice, otherwise Jacob or Daniel based on last night's performances and past voting patterns. It really is time that those 3, together with Carl, get the fuck off our screens to allow the decent ones to get down to business:

That's the only way this thing can go to make it both tolerable and meritorious.

S2BC's Top 20 Greatest Australian Idol Performances countdown will continue shortly, as well as some other equally earth-shattering goodies, so stay tuned.

Idol Top 9 - I'm Just So Glad They Got To Sing

2007-09-30T21:51:00.000+10:00

As Scott is currently tracking down Pumpkin's family tree in China, protesting with Buddhist monks in Burma or perhaps being kept as Tanya Herman's Bitch in Deer Park - I'm afraid this week's idol blogging has been left to someone who is not nearly as good with his colon usage; Woodsman.

Mr & Mrs S2BC enjoying the sun in Tienanmen Square

Tonight on Idol was acoustic night. Not at all to be mistaken as "let's just slow every song down and sit next to a cello" night. Bobby Flynn has so much to answer for.

Speaking of people who have a lot to answer for, what was the Marcia God wearing tonight? She looked like a Logie and as for Mark - could he have looked anymore like he was on the way to fiddle some kiddies? But the rich vein of style ran right through the audience this evening with the chick who sat square behind Dicko in the audience wearing little more than 2 bandaids, a cork and a SCARF - seriously, Daniel Mifsud needs to be shot.

Our "specialist" this week who was charged with turning our pedestrian Idols into acoustic geniuses was none other than ~~Ronn~~ Ian Moss.

I miss Scott

Mr Moss has a new album out you see and it may or may not be acoustic. Given that Marcia manages to pimp a platinum album off the back of idol each year, he thought he might as well get in on the action...oh and he was "pretty keen to have a blow" with Matt Corby.

(Good to see Ian Moss following in the footsteps of Elton John and Rod Stewart who were "specialists" in recent series of US Idol - Go Oz.)

Whilst S2BC is renowned for his precise and insightful rankings of contestants, I do not have the nous to separate performances which could be best described as "meh".

Instead, given that Geelong is very much in the news this week and their supporters need to be brought back down to earth and realise that they still live in Geelong, I will provide you with a Pyramid scheme.

A long bow

Alas we shall continue:

TOP TIER

Darren Gauci, "Man in the Mirror" (by Michael Jackson)

Already holding the performance of the season with Feelin Good, the Gauc defied bouts of Equine Influenza to take us to new heights with a sterling Maria Pracitan-style rendition of one of my favourite songs ~~such rating having nothing to do with a near biblical moment on the dancefloor at Mardi Gras some years ago to the dance remix courtesy of a wicked biscuit.~~ Looking hot and with earrings that rivalled Marcia's, we should all do exactly what the sign in the audience said and "Vote Nat Guci".

SECOND TIER

Ben McKenzie, "Hide and Seek" (by Imogen Heap)

Despite shocking us all by telling us he feels uncomfortable singing high notes, Ben managed to deliver an enjoyable version of a song i'd never heard of by a band i've never heard of. His voice is not the strongest and quite breathless at times, but he has a massive likeability factor. Unfortunately for Ben, it appears that his Proactive supply has run out and after last week's genius call of "if you want to get behind Ben, call..." by James Matheson, there was no wonder that Ben was a little nervous ~~and sore~~ this week.

Matt Corby, "The Blower's Daughter" (by Damien Rice)

(An interesting choice of song given he was being mentored by the singer of Tucker's Daughter who had just declared to the camera that he was quite keen to blow Matt, don't you think?)

There is little doubt that Matt will be in the top 2 this year and so it really doesn't matter that he has THE WORST HAIR I HAVE EVER SEEN and that he was dressed like a bear at the Laird. I don't understand why the boy sings with his eyes more closed than Bernadette the busker when he has such stunning eyes and knows that a solitary bat of his perfectly mascaraed eyelashes he has every 14yo girl in the country wetter than Andie McDowell in 4 Weddings and a Funeral. For the record, the performance was quite good, if unmemorable. Mark was so impressed he declared Matt as in a handful of the most brilliant people we've had on this show. Thanks Mark.

THIRD TIER

Daniel Mifsud, "I Was Made For Loving You" (by Kiss)

Daniel's penchant for scarves took a turn for the better this week donning a Magpies' scarf all over town, but even that can't alleviate my bout of irritable bowel syndrome whenever he takes the stage. Described by Dicko as the Romantic Balladeer (note to self, this may have been the 1st night ever that Dicko made no sense to me) and Mark gushed "I have never thought I'd hear a kiss song done like that" before awarding the most ludicrous touchdown in the history of ludicrous touchdowns. Apparently it is sheer genius to slow a song down and look like Alf. Nothing rhymes with Mifsud read the sign of the night - except for perhaps Cocktard.

Mark De Costa, "Yellow" (by Coldplay)

So THIS was the something "really different" that we were promised last week...country and western Coldplay - complete with annoying pronunciation ("every thang you do") to accompany his annoying facial hair. Decked out with a white acoustic guitar which was clearly painted on, Marcia was right on the money when she hilariously declared that she "enjoyed the humour in it". Ronn Moss had his concerns though commenting that he thought Mark had trouble connecting to the lyrics, a problem that S2BC might not be struggling with in China this week - where it is indeed, all Yellow.

Tarasai Williams, Kissing You (by Deseree)

Fresh from winning a gigantic butt plug at the Korean Open this week, the Best Voice in the Competition (and about the 972nd best singer in an American Idol competition) was clearly fatigued as she delivered a rather boring and stripped back version of an already dull song. If she was going to sing something from the Romeo & Juliet soundtrack why not #1 Crush where she could have performed a sacrificial ritual of Ben Mackenzie or somethin somethin. Dicko pleaded for her to start choosing songs which she had experienced hinting that she had not kissed anyone other than her life-size jesus doll. Marcia giving one of her first "girlfriend" compliments of the season told her that she looked like a million and 1 ~~Zimbabwean~~ dollars in her delightful bigbird outfit.

BOTTOM TIER

Jacob Butler, "Somewhere Only We Know" (by Keen)

Love the song and the boy can kinda sing but oh lordy this was boring. Jacob proved once again that he only has only the one outfit as he churned out the same vest, tie and jeans look for the 85th consecutive time that somehow lead Dicko to comment that he "looked much better tonight" WTF??? Dicko has left the building. The sign in the audience read "Jacob is Idol" which was grammatically incorrect as clearly "Jacob is Idle" would have been more appropriate given that he will be back collecting nuts for the winter in the next few weeks.

Marty Simpson, "Open Your Eyes" (by Snow Patrol)

That this kid is still in the competition says it all really. It is kinda sad when someone keeps using an excuse like "i just need my guitar" and then when they are allowed to perform with the guitar, they still suck. Even Marcia is wearing thin of Mr Caravan Park '07, pleading with him to "watch your time" and to sit on a metronome or something. I can't imagine anyone wanting to spend 25c to vote for this lettuce.

Carl Riseley, some spoken word piece (by Harry Connick Jnr)

Well colour me surprised when young Peter Costello lookalike chose to sing Harry Connick Jnr and wear the exact same suit as he has every other week. Well "sing" is a strong word as he took the reins from Lisa Mitchell in the "spoken word" performance category. Whilst it wasn't anywhere near as offensive as his Waltzing Matilda molestation, I still wanted someone to scalp him when he said "Mr John Foreman" when JF did a bit of a piano solo. The hilariously brilliant ComicStripHero puts it best:

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. I PROMISE Scott will be back next week ~~to a radically diminished readership~~ where he will resume usual blogging.

Of course the closing word as always goes to the Marcia God with her razor sharp insight "I'm just so glad they got to sing".

Idol Top 10: Whiny Disco Balls

2007-09-24T11:20:00.000+10:00

Ni hao, viewers! I am currently writing from Beijing, China, where I am fresh from a small hotel room misunderstanding about the scope of a massage. It didn't help that the masseuse in question had styled herself "Lana".

The Krostie Cat Dolls

It was a briefly uncomfortable moment, but it provides us with a neat segue into a review of last night's Idol episode. And it was far less uncomfortable than that other Lana's effort, as we will see.

But first, a disclaimer: The distinct disadvantage of blogging an Australian show of substandard amateur performers from a colossal international metropolis (apart from the fact Blogger is banned here – WTF?) is that, along with experiencing an irresistible sense of “Why?”, you miss out on Marcia’s comments. I am providing the following commentary on the basis of the performances and pre-performance packages only, because that is all that gets loaded on to the website. So I miss, for example, in the words of wonderful S2BC reader Weasel, Marcia responding to Mark Da Costa’s’s performance while “dripping like the spit roast she wants to be”. And do I hear that I missed my girl Chanel advertising calorie-infested lollies in the ad break? Looks like she’s still eating her feelings then.

ANYWAY. Let’s get to it, ignoring, if you would so kindly, any formatting issues. Crikey.

10. Marty Simpson, “You Sexy Thing” (by Hot Chocolate)

Marty may have meant to serve us up some hot chocolate, but what we got was a rancid, tepid, carob-flavoured horrorfest. Zooming in to second worst performance of the year (behind a never-to-be-rivalled Booanna), this was a sonic assault, performed, no less, in a VEST. Marty’s reading of this song was similar to what you might get if Neil Diamond tried to cover Madonna’s Erotica. In this context it’s difficult to know whether the final line sung by Marty, replacing “miracles” with “mirrorballs”, was tongue-in-cheek or just another example of utter ineptitude. It’s time to go.

9. Hello Krostie, “Sing It Back” (by Moloko)

Hello Krostie took a break from captaining her Grade 6 rounders team to rock up to last night’s show. She needn’t have bothered. Matching her boyfriend Marty’s limp, geriatric effort, this was like Nikki Webster performing Rihanna. In a wheelchair. A double departure, please?

8. Jacob Butler, “Canned Heat” (by Jamiroquai)

The cheeks get fatter, the eyes crazier and the desperation more obvious with every week. The bottom 3 has never been more clear.

7. Carl Risible, “September” (by Earth, Wind & Fire)

Things were sailing along tolerably for Carl until a couple of things happened: (a) he scatted; and (b) he tried falsetto. Millions of dogs around the country drove stray bones through their hearts at that moment to end the pain. Nonetheless, I am told he received warm reviews from the judging panel, mostly on the basis of having actually selected a song within the set genre. (“Must I remind you it’s pronounced “john-drah” – The Marcia God) It’s embarrassing to see the judges having to treat him with such kid gloves in order to justify their horrendous Wild Card decision. And tonight’s performance must have been particularly offensive to back-up singer and Family First member Gary Pinto, dressed last night in an oh-so-disco Adidas tracksuit jacket, who covered this song with his world-conquering band CDB years ago. O ye fickle music industry!

6. Parasite Williams Vushe, “Hot Stuff” (by Donna Summer)

I was pumped for a stand-out performance from this little pocket powerhouse after she dished out a delicious neck swivel and accompanying “Mmm-hmm!” in indignation at Dicko’s criticism from last week during her pre-performance package. But, like Lavina Williams before her, another diva extraordinaire who incomprehensibly failed to deliver in Disco week (my review of last year’s corresponding episode here), Parasite was mediocre at best, adopting hair extensions Cosima-style but failing to replicate the latter’s excellent performance of the same song in Season 1’s finals opener. Sister-girlfriend, wassup witchu? It’s taaaaaaahm to ge’cho GROOVE AWWWN! Please/thank you kindly etc.

5. Daniel Mifsud, “Miss You” (by The Rolling Stones)

YAWN. This wasn’t terrible, and it was accurate, and at least he swapped the scarf for some beads, which you sense have multiple uses for him, but destined to be this year’s Millsy/Daniel Spillane/Marty Worrell/Ricky Muscat greasy mid-place finisher.

4. Natalie G(r)auci, “I Will Survive” (by Gloria Gaynor)

Natalie’s preferred performance structure is becoming tiresome (slow moody intro + loud middle + power note to finish, regardless of the song), but she still soars above most of the guys and is the most appealing musician and the most unpretentious competitor, for which credit is due. From what I understand, she even earned praise from Kyle for her outfit last night, but there was no ignoring those boobs, which were positioned out to the side like a couple of half-filled mailbags, AND the over-excited stage coverage was a bit haphazard and Leith-like, AND she seems to have performed the same song she did at her first audition with her huge-as-fuck keyboard. But I still love her and will continue to wait patiently for that touchdown I know is lurking in there somewhere.

3. Ben McKenzie, “Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough” (by Michael Jackson)

Learning from last week’s misstep, the producers have obviously made the contestants justify their choices this week, and so we’ve been treated to a précis of each song’s history and relevance in each contestant’s “own words”. So Ben informed us that this Jackson song “shifted 750 million units world-wide”, which sounds exactly like Ben and completely unscripted, don’t you think? Well done team. As for the performance, another good effort. Yet to match his semi-final magic but strong, consistent and, importantly, he managed to evade the pitfall of tackling a song memorably performed by a past Idol contestant (Ricki-Lee sang this in the wrong key in 2004). Ben is a guaranteed Top 3 finisher, I’ll say it now.

2. Mark Da Costa, “Nutbush City Limits” (by Ike & Tina Turner)

Mark was sponsored last night by the House of Callea, appearing in the same spray-on drag king stubble, vest and crucifix ensemble that Anthony wore last Monday: Their styles are different but with each week they resemble each other more. This was the perfect song choice, still bereft of anything remotely similar to vocal range, but capably and enjoyably performed. Mark loves disco because as it turns out he\'s a big fan of \"great beats\". This statement takes on a whole new dimension in the context of his Callea homage.

What\'s wrong with that particular pastime

1. Jennifer Connolly, “Got To Get You Into My Life” (by The Beatles and also Earth, Wind & Fire)

That this was the best performance of the night is self-evident, but let it be said: the touchdown Jennifer received was a heinous crime against common sense and is the type of exaggerated reaction that usually follows when general expectations are lowered so significantly that not dropping the microphone seems like a world-class example of poise. On the list of Idol touchdowns, this performance would rank somewhere near the very bottom with those of the Murphy brothers, Dean Geyer and Dan England. Good, enjoyable and solid, but completely forgettable, making every single one of Kate De Rouge\'s performances seem unjustly overlooked for the same honour. Plus, he claims to have been humbled by the Idol experience, and yet continues to walk around like the already-anointed winner he probably is. But he did wear a Madonna t-shirt in his pre-performance interview, so props ‘n’ shit.

On the subject of touchdowns, have we all been following the ludicrous goings-on over at the website\'s high-larious \"Touchdown Tournament\"? The competition pits some (but, egregiously, not all) of History\'s touchdowns against each other in a Wimbledon-style face-off, with the surviving performances continuing through until one is crowned the greatest. The arbiter of each face-off is, of course, the public.

This is a TERRIBLE IDEA. Not only does it overlook those amazing performances for which no touchdown was issued (Chanel\'s Glory Box being the best example), but allowing the public to vote leads to pathetic and embarrasing results like the following:

Damien\'s Nessun Dorma (65%) beating Anthony\'s The Prayer (35%)
Damien\'s Hallelujah (94%) leading Cosima\'s When The War Is Over (6%)

Neither of those overwrought Damien Leith performances is anywhere near as good as his renditions of Crying or Wicked Game, both infinitely superior, both earning touchdowns but both conspicuously absent from the Touchdown Tournament. Who organises this shit?

As ever, it’s up to us, dear readers. With S2BC\'s Top 20 Greatest Australian Idol Performances, we are gradually righting those hideous wrongs. Top 2 to follow VERY shortly.

Now to some housekeeping. Next week I will be taking my Chinese odyssey to Shanghai, where, much like Madonna in that underrated 1986 acting showcase Shanghai Surprise, I will be busy on an exotic quest for stolen drugs. Or something similar. I will, as always, be following the Idol performances with more than a passing interest, but for the sake of engaging in an actual holiday at some stage, I will be handing over the S2BC blogging reins for next week\'s episodes to my dear friend Woodsman of Billable Units. Woodsman shares most of S2BC\'s passions and pet peeves but will no doubt launch into some of his own inimitable and immensely enjoyable tirades, so please do drop in. I will be back on deck the week after.

Zai jian!

S2BC's Top 20 Greatest Australian Idol Performances: No. 3

2007-09-20T23:52:00.000+10:00

3. Cosima De Vito, "When The War Is Over" (Season 1, Top 8)

Love her or hate her, the bitch had pipes. This was the first ever touchdown, and the fuss remains as easy to comprehend now as then: this was, quite simply, a beautifully constructed, stunningly interpreted vocal masterclass worthy of every plaudit it received.

Where to start? This performance had every ingredient for a memorable Idol moment: inspired re-imagining of a classic; soft, restrained introduction leading to a sea of spectacularly executed power notes; and the surprise attack of a perfect rendition from a technically proficient but vaguely unlikeable competitor (see also No. 4). Listening to the astonishing volume and precision of Cosima's voice through this, it's almost possible to pinpoint the exact moment her nodules began to form.

Cosima underwent one of the most intriguing of all Idol metamorphoses, from monobrow-laden prematurely aging balladeer to surprisingly feminine diva powerhouse. From the pap of her vocally perfect but staggeringly boring semi-final (Celine's "My Heart Will Go On"), through to the promise of her up-tempo Wild Card performance (Delta's "Predictable") and finally to her unexpected sassy rendition of "Hot Stuff", Cosima developed an impressive repertoire. Her latter performances were ultimately taxing (all overwrought balladry and hair extensions), but she remains one of the top 3 female voices to emerge over the 5 years the show has aired. And who knew she would also be a fashion pioneer?

It's difficult to know exactly where things went wrong for Cosima, because watching this makes you believe she could have been a world-beating superstar in the Whitney or Celine vein, and things had started off so well with her extremely successful acoustic version of this song reaching #1 on the ARIA charts in 2004. No doubt it was the astronomically expensive, ill-conceived Diane Warren-penned album of ballads that did the damage, and those cheekbones are rather intimidating: you could cut bread with those babies. And her more recent efforts aren't exactly setting the charts on fire: her latest single, "Keep It Natural", thankfully not a song about eyebrow maintenance, faltered at #112. OOPS. (Shame: the remix is brilliant.)

Poor bitch; it's a mystery, really. Particularly since being ugly never stopped Celine - she's about to release her 16th album:

I KNOW. But that's a whole other post.

Carp Interred: Nothing Fishy About Booanna's Burial

2007-09-17T23:01:00.000+10:00

From this picture we are able to note that:

1. Booanna mercifully got the boot last night.
2. A camera is sensibly pointed away from Booanna.
3. Mutto is apparently now a cameraman on Australian Idol.

That last point is unconfirmed, but a move behind the camera can only be a good thing for that particular individual, as well as for Booanna, for whom there are clearly no endorsements in the offing. ("Our products aren't THAT good" - ProActiv)

It was an entirely unsurprising departure for the series' worst performer: that she earnt this mantle in the presence of Hello Krostie and Carl Risible is testament to her shitness. Hence, her elimination last night had even less suspense than the moments preceding last year's Best Actress Oscar win by Dame Helen Mirren. I suppose it's worth noting that the other 2 members of the Bottom 3 were boys, which is a promising sign for the remaining females, who are being systematically decimated Big Brother-style.

How quickly things changed for this year's first two evictees. From joyous on-camera lesbian romp to yesterday's news quicker than you can say "I'm deaf in one ear".

To add insult to impairment, we of course had to hear Booanna butcher that song AGAIN. Could she not have signed it instead?

There were really only two other things from last night worth reporting. The first is some genuine concern about Hello Krostie. Bitch looked like the most wretchedly over-tired woman on primetime television this side of Annie Jones.

Seriously, what was up with that? She honestly looked like a tired manga version of herself, with wrinkles seemingly drawn on to give that desirable I've-been-clawing-my-eyes-out-due-to-either-conjunctivitis-or-an-acid-trip look. I suppose it makes sense, given those rumours inadvertently revealed on Sunday night by Kyle: apparently Krostie's been getting jiggy with Marty's simpson. Now that's a fine pair. Mr Nerves and Miss I Can Barely Sing Audibly must go wild in the sack. No wonder it takes them all night.

In lieu of anything else being remotely interesting, last night was all about Anthony Callea. Appearing as though in direct response to S2BC's Top 20 Greatest Idol Perfs Countdown, Anthony spent 3 minutes demonstrating almost to the letter EXACTLY why he didn't deserve to win and EXACTLY why The Prayer was such a rare feat of unmannered grace.

Wearing spray-on stubble, A VEST and A CRUCIFIX, Anthony absolutely raped James Morrison's "Undiscovered", one of 2007's very best singles and a mini-masterpiece of smoky-voiced, self-affirming blue-eyed soul. It was gut-wrenching to witness: in Anthony's hands, the ordinarily gorgeous song was transformed into a pageant performance. Replete with more pearl-clutching moments than a drag show, he even did that seated "my arms are wings!" fake flying movement, barely stopping short of marching out the spirit fingers. The best bit was clearly mid-song when he awkwardly screamed at his back-up singer, "Tell 'em Suz!". Suz is what you would get if you crossed Kate De Rouge, Bob Marley and the albino monk from the Da Vinci Code. She tried to tell us, but we weren't very interested.

We seriously need to take the lead from the infinitely superior Canadian Idol, which has just wrapped its fifth season. Now, I've spoken about Canadian Idol several times before. But there really are some lessons to be learned from their production standards, and the impact of those standards on ratings and results.

1. For starters, they have an uncanny ability to select attractive, sustainable, marketably unobese and occasionally even sexy winners. Here are their last three (carefully omitting the first couple, who were mingers):

2. Stars such as Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani, Nelly Furtado, Avril Lavigne and Lionel Richie have all both guest-judged and acted as vocal coach on the show, and countless other credible acts have performed on results shows.

3. They also select interesting theme nights, such as "#1's From The Year You Were Born", Unplugged" and "The Songs of David Bowie". This would be way too boring for Australian producers. Instead they like to innovate with corkers like "How About In The First Week Of The Finals You Just Choose Your Own Song, 'cos That Would Be Really Inventive And Not At All Similar To What You've Been Doing Every Fucking Round Since Your First Audition."

4. Crucially, the Canucks allow departing contestants to sing their best performance as a farewell, as opposed to the invariably woeful one that caused their ouster. This suits both contestants and viewers: they get to leave with a reminder that they were once quite good, and viewers don't have to withstand an encore of drivel. The continuing Australian model means, for example, that Brianna got to foist her tunelessness on us twice, that Ricki Lee ended her Idol experience with the Beatles' "We Can Work It Out" without knowing all the words, and Reigan Derry, who had several touchdowns in her but never got the chance to deliver them, had to relive another full 3 minutes of ill-advised Perth cock rock after she got the boot. (It's a genuine marvel and frankly evidence of pure legend that in 2004, just moments after being voted off, Chanel Cole was able to turn her horrendous Top 5 performance of "Hit 'Em Up Style" into a delicious, brilliant "do you realise what you've done, voting public!" performance master class.)

Let's hope the producers lift their game and that the contestants of Australian Idol Version 5.0 hit their straps because we're otherwise in for an insufferable couple of months.

AI5: Comedy Rock Night Feat. Marcia's Feedback

2007-09-16T22:05:00.000+10:00

OH DEAR. Here is a picture of Lana Krost summarising last night's episode:

The alleged most competitive Top 11 we've ever had last night put on the musical equivalent of a clown nose and a unicycle for our general amusement, mostly butchering their chosen rock songs with the kind of generous, banshee-like abandon typical of a karaoke hen's night at Charlton's.

Last night's episode was literally the most horrendous 90 minutes the Idol franchise has ever produced. Consequently, the prospect of sifting through 11 almost universally awful performances and attempting to rank them into some type of order seems too terrible for words; indeed, it fills me with the kind of trepidation that George Clooney's character must have experienced shortly before having each of his nails forcibly removed with pliers about halfway through Syriana.

"Good night and good luck to each of you"

By George, they'll need it. It's possible that the Top 11's collective foecal output might serve as a treatise on why Rock Night should never, ever be a theme again. It was only introduced for the first time last year, and while there were a couple of gems from that particular night (namely Jessica and Lavina), it was mostly painful that time as well, even resulting in possibly the series' finest natural talent, Reigan Derry, being deservedly but regrettably ousted. Hardly a roaring success.

The night was so deplorably bad that I would willingly sit through a 4 hour rock tribute triple bill of the following performers than sit through that tripe again.

Thankfully, there was light shining through the dross last night, but it didn't come from any of the contestants. It came from a saviour. Two, in fact.

1. The Marcia God. In the kind of stunning reversal of character usually reserved for cinema's finest plot twists, Marcia offered ACTUAL, NON-CHANEL-PROMPTED FEEDBACK tonight. Amazingly, she embraced her role as judge with the most genuinely constructive common sense responses that she's ever dished out in five series, in addition to some standard non-sensical crack-assisted output, the best of which tonight was clearly (to Carl):

"I have nothing to say. That was self-explanatory."

Amen to that.

2. The Actual God. If you thought Mazda and Head & Shoulders had already taken product placement to new heights on this year's series of Australian Idol, they have nothing on the Lord, who sponsored last night's episode by (a) furnishing every contestant with a crucifix and (b) sensually rippling through every molecule of Tarisai Williams Vushe after her performance in a way that made the immaculate conception seem entirely plausible.

Fig. 1: Precious Woman

But what can we say for the actual performances? This is how I saw them:

11. Booanna Carpenter, "The Logical Song" (by Supertramp)
10. Carl Risible, "Clocks" (by Coldplay)
9. Marty Simpson, "Jenny Don't Be Hasty" (by Paolo Nutini)
8. Jennifer Connolly, "The Immigrant Song" (by Led Zeppelin)
7. Daniel Mifsud, "Fire" (by Jimi Hendrix)
6. Natalie Gauci, "Sweet Child O' Mine" (by Guns 'N' Roses)
5. Hello Krostie, "C'mon, C'mon" (by Little Birdy)
4. Jacob Butler, "What's The Story, Morning Glory?" (by Oasis)
3. Parasite Williams Vushe, "Hard To Handle" (by Otis Redding/The Black Crowes)
2. Ben McKenzie, "Bodies" (by Little Birdy)
1. Mark Da Costa, "High Voltage" (by AC/DC)

This is certainly not to say that Ben and Mark were necessarily very good at all. To this end, please note that while Mark heads up the list, it was still the kind of naff, boring output that has no home in the Idol finals. In fact, as far as Mark's concerned, for an alleged rock gig veteran, this was a woefully underwhelming effort that reminded me at times of the relatively limp performance from Carrie Underwood during country week, her forte, in American Idol 4. Of course, it just so happens Carrie is now the world's leading country artist but I'm boldly predicting that Mark Da Costa is not this country's next rock icon.

"That opinionated outburst strikes me as both surprising and foolhardy"

I'm not even done: I'm also wagering that Booanna's performance is possibly the worst effort that a finalist has ever served up in five years of this show, and that includes Lauren Buckley's tear-infested departure performance of Lady Marmalade, Laura Gissara's infamous semi-final key change during En Vogue's Don't Let Go Love and Daniel Belle's awe-inspiring rendition of Rock DJ. It really was worse than all of those efforts combined. Poor bitch claims that she's deaf in one ear and therefore unable to counter-measure her pitch while on stage, but the reality is that both Helen Keller and Marlee Matlin could have done a better job underwater wearing a gimp mask. If she's still around after tomorrow night I will be genuinely surprised.

However, massive props (e.g. a hat stand, perhaps an umbrella) to Hello Krostie, now looking a lot like Michelle Branch, for her first Top 5 finish on S2BC. It is literally amazing that (a) she really was not altogether awful this week and (b) she sang an actual rock song, the first of two Little Birdy tracks, both of them excellent. There hasn't been this kind of support for a great Aussie band since Casey and Hayley both covered george in the Top 7 round of Season 2, the former memorably and the latter offensively.

Biggest disappointment was clearly my girl G(r)auci. Natalie is probably wishing she could have just popped in a tape of her excellent performance from last week for the purposes of this week's theme. Copying Jessica Mauboy's hair from last year's corresponding episode was simply not enough for Natalie to also channel the quality of that performance.

Jessica's "Walk Away" was one of the standout performances of the series (only just missing out on an appearance in S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Greatest Idol Performances), but Natalie's rendition of this classic was such a disappointment. I wanted her to unleash on the power notes, but she excised most of the song's best parts in favour of some twee emotional symmetry. Over to Marcia:

"I don't know what I'm sitting here listening to and watching."

This was intended to indicate disagreement with the judging panel and to compliment Natalie's performance, but it kind of came out all wrong. Marcia followed up that doozy by dropping the bombshell, a propos of nothing apparently, that Natalie isn't a tall, skinny white boy.

This is not a picture of Natalie

I went to a wedding on the weekend where the bride declared that she didn't ever believe the year 2004 could be bettered, because it was the "year of accessories". She went on to meet her husband in 2005, so I believe the implication is that it was indeed bettered, but I think it's premature to make a call on that. What is definitely clear, however, is that 2007 is shaping up as a genuine contender for 2004's mantle, at least as far as neck-gear is concerned. Jennifer Connolly tonight donned a top that actually appeared to have a BUILT-IN SCARF, while Daniel Mifsud made his first public admission about deliberately incorporating scarves into his "look". This is now beyond tiresome: SHERIDAN TYLER WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT DOWN THAT CRACK PIPE AND DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. Meanwhile, Jacob Butler is determinedly continuing with ties, even combining it tonight with an impractical winter coat. Now we all know that Jacob loooooooooves Britain, but this particular look was less 'Manchester indie' and a lot more 'Canary Wharf investment bank'.

Some further quotables:

1. "It ('Clocks') is one of the more biggest sort of soft rock songs that's ever been." - Carl
2. "Repeat after me: '[pause] Um... If you me try... Er... If you and me ain't tryin', I can't see the point.' Yeah." - Marcia (to HK)
3. "Dude, I'm up for it!" (Ben, about a disturbing hypothetical "competition" with Bindi Irwin)

All in all, Dicko summarised it best. Tiresomely nicknamed "Bindi" by Mark Holden on the basis of his khaki number, but instead, I think you'll find, doing a Jeff Probst tribute, Dicko chimed in with some nice parting commentary: "Some of them will be licking their wounds tonight."

Indeed. He omitted the word "axe", but I think we all know what he's referring to.

S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Australian Idol Performances: No. 4

2007-09-13T10:17:00.002+10:00

4. Anthony Callea, "The Prayer" (Season 2, Top 7)

The appearance of this song in the countdown might be coming a little early for some die-hard Anthony supporters, but let's be clear (or callea, if you will): despite its much-lauded initial reception and the record-smashing success of the subsequent single, this performance is not the best in the show's history. It's precisely 3 places behind that honour, as we will see.

That being said, however, it is still a phenomenal and memorable piece of television, and thoroughly deserving of a Top 5 finish here.

Whether you adore this tiny, stumpy-fingered, over-polished little outer suburban gay or prefer to will all evidence of his existence from your lives, there are some irrefutably amazing qualities on display in this performance: a mind-blowing vocal, with everything from strong, beautiful tenor tones through to a rare (for him) falsetto; ingenious song selection, showing careful insight into his own strengths and a skilful understanding of his target market; a brilliant arrangement, marrying what was previously a bilingual duet into a seamless unit; the sheer emotion Anthony manages to wring from the song, building it unforgettably to two killer pay-off notes in particular, without resorting to the wet, soapy, mannered histrionics which marred every one of his performances before and after; and the way he keeps most of his off-putting performance idiosyncracies at bay, investing instead in the song's sentiment and channelling the operatic elements which made the Bocelli & Dion original such a success.

Anthony didn't win, and for good, just reason. But boy, this performance is still a cracker, and I'd be lying if I said it still doesn't give me goosebumps.

Idol Matters Of Great Import

2007-09-11T15:04:00.000+10:00

1. Following the overwhelming support from S2BC readers for Casey Donovan's unforgettable performance of "Here's Where I Stand" in our Top 20 All-Time Performance countdown, I'm pleased to bring to your attention to a fact I'd overlooked: she is already in the throes of releasing new material.

The following performance is of a song entitled "Help Me", from an upcoming EP of original, self-penned work. It was performed on Channel 7's "The Morning Show" two weeks ago. According to rumour, this particular song is not slotted to be the EP's lead single, but it's nonetheless an exciting sign of things to come. Watch especially for the post-performance interview, in which Casey demonstrates that in her 3 years away from the spotlight she has actually LEARNED TO CONVERSE. Amazing - and how good it is to finally see her singing again.

2. Alarming news reported this morning about a baffling potential romantic tryst between Idol's own Jennifer Connolly and Betty Boo.

It seems that photos have been snapped of Brianna Carpenter and Matt Corby canoodling in a spa at the Idol mansion, despite both of them allegedly having partners. The headline reports "hands getting busy", and suggests the inappropriateness of their actions might harm the competitors' chances.

OH PLEASE. The only one who this harms is Matt, whose reputation in having voluntarily invited self-appointed quirkster Booanna - probably draped in a hideous purple and red bikini - onto his lap for a little sumtin' sumtin' will shock and dismay his young female fans, as well as anyone with an understanding of dermatology. And since the photos apparently only reveal hands around a waist, methinks this is all just a storm in a B cup.

"What are you saying"

I'm saying that the only crime you've both committed, apart from the whole statutory rape thing (which is actually 'in' at the moment) is against hair. Other than that, I hope you enjoyed punching above your weight for a brief time. Or stroking below it, as the case may be.

And anyway, he is a Corby after all. He's hard-wired to stuff things into a bag and cause a scandal.

AI5: Hollywood Ending

2007-09-10T19:36:00.000+10:00

After the refreshing haste and of-the-essence approach of the semifinal verdicts, the slow- fingernail-removal-style pain and pace of the Monday night shows henceforth is, as ever, going to require some effort.

It's amazing that they manage to fit ALL of the following things into an hour of television without seeming rushed, isn't it?

- Dramatic sad face opening
- Recap
- Group performance
- Recap of judges' comments
- Voting results
- Loser's departure performance

Seriously, I'm amazed it didn't run overtime. BRAVO CHANNEL 10.

Among the thrilling goings-on this week was a limo ride with Kamahl, during which it appears champagne was served to UNDERAGE CONTESTANTS. And as if that weren't enough: wherever there's a champagne bottle, you just know that Jennifer Keyte can't be far off either.

"But I work for Channel 7"

Like that's ever stopped you.

Later, we saw some tiresome brand positioning, including a Gold Card to facilitate McDonald's purchases for its cash-strapped customers, which would have to be one of the most objectionable pieces of marketing I've heard in a long time.

OK, I'm already bored. What the fuck else happened tonight? A snapshot:

1. Hello Krostie cried because she loves Zac Efron. He's apparently from High School Musical, some zeitgeist adolescent hit machine that I know strictly nothing about and which accordingly makes me feel geriatric. However, I do know that the girls associated with High School Musical and who also love Zac Efron tend to get up to naughty stuff, and now I've officially made myself sick.

2. James Mathison referred to Lana as 'Krostie'. This is a promising shift in nomenclature, and a surefire sign that we are merely weeks away from fully integrating the 'Hello Krostie' moniker across the entire internet. PLEASE SHOW YOUR SUPPORT FOR THIS ENDEAVOUR.

3. Kermit Foreman wrote a song about life being a song. Hopefully it's not this one or we should all just retrospectively wish ourselves into the Jonestown suicide compound. Still, nice idea, and well done John. He even sang a bit, sounding less cartoon amphibian than you might expect.

4. Holly Weinert wore a top that made it look like her nipples were blinking.

5. Booanna continues to combine red and purple. Is that even legal? Her mum obviously subscribes to this hatred-inciting propaganda:

7. The worst group performance I've ever heard. Holly and Matt were the only ones who carried it off.

8. Tarisai was coiffed in the style of Phylicia Rashad from the Cosby Show.

And that's about it.

The results straddled three ad breaks, and involved the following suspenseful shenanigans.

1. Tarisai was first through, she and Marcia both immediately communing with God.

2. Lana first in the bottom 3, creating a short-lived sense of hope.

3. Marty and Mark both safe: looks like this year is all about the boys, then, in the style of Big Brother. We can only hope there's a corresponding finale to salvage it. Something like this, perhaps?

4. Inexplicably, Carl also safe: St John's Ambulance staff seated behind Marcia very relieved.

5. An all-girl Bottom 3 (Hello Krostie, Booanna, Holly) for one of the only times in Australian Idol history, as far as I can remember. Not altogether surprising, but nonetheless worrying. It was all looking OK until...

6. Booanna safe first, Krostie safe second (she really IS Neo-Lauren, isn't she?), leaving Holly to suck the Idol fat one.

BOOOOOOO Australia. We now have about 3 or 4 decent competitors, and only 4 girls left in total, including Hello Krostie Gissara-Buckley.

But then, bitch brought it on herself. Was Reigan Derry's departure really in vain?

There's really only one way to combat the devastation of shit moments like these: focus on the positives. To that effect, S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Greatest Australian Idol Performances to continue very shortly.

Australian Idol Top 12 Feat. Marcia's Hormones

2007-09-10T10:09:00.000+10:00

The time has finally come to commence our Idol Top 12 "journey", and like the familiar comfort of a warm winter soup made by Grandma, the show's customary sub-standard production values are predictably back on full display. To wit:

- the wardrobe department, who can still only afford to dress Carl Risible in the same suit;
- the contestants, who can't even come out from backstage on cue;
- the hosts, who continue to ineptly ad lib and who failed to announce Tarisai, instead referring to her as Jacob; and
- the judges, but principally Marcia, who seemed wired on crack tonight and at her most Abdul-esque when she stated, "It's so surreal for us to be here," as though, after 4 previous seasons and a week of semifinals, arriving at a Top 12 scenario was an implausible proposition. She adds to the spaced out moment by gushing about how wonderful the contestants are, her eyes watering as she nervously wipes her nose, having evidently just powdered it.

As for the performances, the alleged most competitive Top 12 in the show's history delivered an uneven bunch of songs, but there were at least a couple of standouts. Let's have a look, beginning, unfortunately, with the dreck. In every particular order:

12. Marty Simpson, "So Lonely" (by The Police)

Not even Marcia was terribly convinced about this being a remotely satisfactory performance, enquiring uncertainly, "That was OK, wasn't it?" to deliver one of the most generous appraisals of the series. This was far from OK: a limp, boring rendition of a song by his alleged idols. At least he had a mic stand to wrap his wayward hand around. The judges were similarly nonplussed, Dicko labelling him "so laid back you're horizontal", to which Marcia piped up in protest, seeing nothing wrong with such a quality. "Don't let your nerves blow this for you," she advised breathily, in such a predatory fashion you almost heard her add, "Let me do that..." as she reclined, licking her lips.

11. Mark Da Costa, "Vertigo" (by U2)

With two above average Idol moments already under his belt, this visual and sonic audience rape of a performance was a surprise. It began creepily, with a pre-performance package showing Mark in THREE DIFFERENT SCARVES and ending with him popping up from behind two young girls and giving them $20. In a word: WRONG. And it was a sign of something hideous to come: this performance was like watching a dwarf on a pogo stick, featuring some of the most ridiculous dance moves this side of Damien Leith's "Celebration". We all know that U2 are Irish, but the whole Riverdance tribute seems a little unnecessary. Uncomfortable viewing, not least because of the split in his pants.

10. Carl Risible, "Waltzing Matilda"

It's impossible to clearly articulate the degree to which this performance astounded me. This was like a 3 minute tutorial on why good-looking people have the upper hand in this life, because it certainly isn't vocal ability or song selection that are this man's strong point. 'Flabberghasted' is the only word I can use to describe my response, moving perhaps toward 'incredulous' when I heard the judges' responses: they all loved it, except for Kyle. Who would have thought this man would reveal himself in The Year of Dicko's Return to have the most sense on that panel?

Awful song choice and woeful execution (complete with incongruous scatting) - this wasn't a clever interpretation (see Natalie Gauci for that below); this was merely a lame, embarrassing and blatant grab for the grandmother vote, which Carl justified on the simple basis that he is Australian. I suppose we should congratulate him: when faced with the prospect of a strictly limited Buble/Connick Jr repertoire over a disastrous potential 12 weeks for the viewing public, at least he's thinking outside the box. Meanwhile, Marcia continues to think only within hers, fizzing at the slit over Carl's flavour with a frenzied, bitch-in-heat whoop-whooping at the end of his performance that she hasn't replicated since Guy's "Climb Every Mountain". Girlfriend could slide down a bar stool at this point.

9. Hello Krostie, "Shiver" (by Natalie Imbruglia)

It must be said that there's nothing particularly offensive about Hello Krostie. She's an adorable little child with a sweet nature and stunning features which, once she hits puberty, will eventually evolve into quite a sexy ensemble. Until then, though, she's just a beige piece of scenery, with nil power in her voice: she needs a decent backhander right across that innocent little face to start eliciting something which could be classed as stronger than a mere vocal whisper. YAWN.

8. Daniel Mifsud, "Cry Me A River" (by Justin Timberlake)

Not content to have brought scarves back, Daniel is persistently branching out into waistcoats, with the help of his brother-boyfriend Mark. But it seems our general scarf reprieve only extends to performance nights, with his pre-performance package revealing his dogged espousal of an entire range of scarves is still going strong out in the everyday world. SOMEONE PLEASE PROVIDE SOME FEEDBACK TO THIS SILLY MAN: Principally, that scarves are designed to preserve body warmth, and are largely purposeless when haphazaradly placed across the shoulder for misguided fashion purposes, or where the wearer already benefits from yeti-like hirsuteness. Marcia, of course, chimed in with a foreseeably hormonal but refreshingly direct response: "I actually found it incredibly exciting". It was an interesting choice, and kudos for moving away from the early 90s Mix FM back catalogue. I'd like to say that he had me at cello, but the intrusive string arrangement was ill-conceived, and the whole thing kind of left me wanting a shower.

7. Booanna Carpenter, "God Only Knows" (by The Beach Boys)

It's so amusing to me that Booanna, who initially cast herself as a savvy singer-songwriter with earthy story-telling talents and whose voice reaches Norah Jones territory when on song, has so determinedly changed her strategy to that of poorly executed, Chanel-lite coquettish drivel. It's only because her fellow competitors fared so poorly that she ranks as high as 7. I'd be willing to embrace the fact she's trying to be different if it didn't come across in such a calculated fashion. Thankfully, with the Chanel comparison comes the thrilling potential for Marcia to start hatin' on Booanna's ass, and there were seeds of that planted tonight. You know that when Marcia starts applauding your quirkiness, you're only a couple of weeks away from unleashing the Marcia demon. Bring it on.

6. Holly Weinert, "Standing In The Way Of Control" (by Gossip)

This performance will clearly go down in history for having elicited the best impromptu judges' comment this year, from Kyle, who described Holly's look as "Patti Newton on crack". Absolute brilliance and worthy of a brief rekindling of Kyle tolerance, especially following his sense in dismissing Carl's Waltzing Matilda effort. Unfortunately, the performance wasn't as great as I wanted it to be: it may be an obscure song choice but it's actually one of my favourite songs of this year, an electro-rock mini-masterpiece sung by Beth Ditto, who if you weren't aware looks slightly different to Holly:

As for Holly, Mark Holden was quite right to point out The Reigan Derry Factor, that is to say the risk in choosing challenging, hard-edged songs, when what people fell in love with you for was your softer work. I know it came from a good place - she clearly had been reading the online forums, which all pegged her as country, and she just wanted to show us a different side - but girlfriend is seriously at risk.

5. Matt Corby, "The Scientist" (by Coldplay)

DO YOU SEE? Marty isn't the only one this year with an aggressive sinciput, his bushy, Jennifer Connolly-esque brows dominating the screen. His performance was generally decent, but I would have turned off forever if a touchdown had been delivered for it: Matt's own plea of "It's too early for a touchdown" was also thoroughly obnoxious and presumptuous, as if the earliness was the only impediment to one being issued. And I seriously can't get past the ridiculous hair. Young people today...

4. Jacob Butler, "When We Were Young" (by The Killers)

MARCIA'S FAVOURITE SONG ALERT. Not content to let Dicko name it as a favourite, Marcia hilariously owned up to this being her 4,000,000th favourite song of the last few years. Hey, it's a good song, and it was a really good performance. Nicely decked out in a Brandon Flowers-esque suit, capably and energetically sung, and with a palpable desire to win. Enjoyable to watch, even if you sense that he's probably a bit of a tosser.

3. Ben McKenzie, "Sunday Morning" (by Maroon 5)

I'm still stunned at the reality that Ben has turned out to be the competition's most promising male competitor. He's so earnest and natural, it's a delight to behold. Still just 7 years of age ("I've been singing ever since I've been 7"), Ben appears to be a model child: good-hearted, talented, and easy to push through the birth canal. Yep: we were treated to a startling admission by his mother that because he was her 2nd child, he basically just slid right out of her clacker. Nice. Anyway, this was great: a bit safe, but really well sung, with an impressive sense of stagecraft developing.

2. Parasite Williams Vushe, "If I Were Your Woman" (by Gladys Knight & The Pips, and more recently Alicia Keys)

There was so much going on in the five minutes devoted to Parasite: an amusing pre-performance package, in which we learnt that her Grandma encouraged her to sing after "noticing the natural talent in me"; Kyle enquiring, "Is she legally a midget?", to which Parasite launched into some expert neck-swivelling; and a post-performance apparent rush of God through her veins, sending her into an orgasmic state of heightened pleasure and relaxation that it's very difficult to accurately describe with any justice. I'm starting to love this woman.

In any event, the performance itself was excellent. Not a rendition of 'Hakuna Matata' that the African tribal drums and chants soundtracking her pre-performance package might have led us to believe, but instead this brilliant Motown number. The Idol benchmark for this song was set in Season 3 by Anne Robertson, a similarly God-fearing sister-girlfriend, so it was a risky choice by Parasite. But she pulled it off beautifully, demonstrating a welcome and heretofore absent capacity for gentle delivery. I'm genuinely pleased to have a belting sister-girlfriend in this year's set, particularly if she continues to show patience in her singing. Meanwhile, most surprisingly, both the hosts and the entire judging panel seem to have overlooked that this song was not written by Alicia Keys: she merely re-popularised it. The original was Gladys Knight & The Pips. SHAME ON YOU AND YOUR BAD SELF MARCIA - what would Gladys think? What's the matter, not your favourite song? I find that hard to believe.

1. Natalie Gauci, "On My Mind" (by Powderfinger)

Quite simply, this was a killer performance: easily the 3rd best performance of the series (behind her own "Feelin' Good" and Ben's "Mad World"). It could have spelt disaster - the same song was performed by Tarni Stephens in the corresponding round of Season 3 and she was turfed immediately. No chance of that here. What made this so spectacular was the surprise factor of a rock song delivered with a delicious jazz bent, combined with a brilliant vocal - and you just know the arrangement was her own work. Her parents must be proud - especially her ~~sperm donor~~ ~~hairdresser~~ Dad. Meanwhile, Marcia, in her best Paula Abdul moment of the night, nonsensically declared to Natalie, "Powderfinger helped you find your mojo!". WTF? I suppose Marcia should know, being so skilled herself in the art of the powdered finger.

And there you have it. Based on performance, Marty is most at risk. But based on history and all those other voting untangibles, I'd say the biggest risk lies with Holly: send your votes her way to avoid an unfortunate Reigan Derry scenario.

S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Australian Idol Performances: No. 5

2007-09-09T15:58:00.000+10:00

5. Casey Donovan, "Here's Where I Stand" (Season 2, Semi-Finals)

Long before Jessica Mauboy memorably interpreted Xtina Aguilera's self-acceptance anthem "Beautiful" for a well-deserved touchdown in Season 4, there was this sensational performance on a similar theme from Casey Donovan, one of the most unforgettable introductions to a new voice in this country's entertainment history.

The song itself is from the soundtrack of Camp, a fun but disposable film about a performing arts retreat and its adolescent participants on a quest to find themselves. It's strongly sung in the film by Tiffany Taylor, a young black girl who surprises her parents with her talent, but it's poorly staged and boringly arranged. In Casey's hands it makes the leap from schmaltzy musical number to genuine art, giving it an unexpected further depth with breathtaking vocal flourishes that are equal parts fragile and robust.

This was the first time we'd properly witnessed the talent of Casey, who faced an uphill battle as a potential popstar because of her weight. History tells us she ultimately lost that battle, but not before a stunning evolution before the Idol cameras, one which deservedly took her to the title. This first performance epitomised that success: a combination of unbelievable song choice, a gorgeous fusion of both bold and gentle notes and an unparalleled ability to interpret lyrics as though she were the author. The song could so easily be by and about Casey:

"Here in the dark, I stand before you/
Knowing this is my chance to show you my heart/
This is the start, this is the start..."

It certainly was. And what a beautiful start: a kick-arse "take me or leave me" challenge she set us, and which we accepted immediately. She was the top vote-getter in her semi-final and to date it's the only semi-final performance to ever earn a touchdown. Bonus points too for dressing all in black to sing the "here in the dark" line. Quite simply, this was a woman presenting herself for judgment, with an uncommon strength shining through. She remains an enigma with worsening weight issues, but I sense she's on an upward curve, and I look forward to her stunning us with a re-introduction hopefully every bit as powerful and uncompromising as this.

Lobbing In At The US Open

2007-09-06T14:28:00.000+10:00

It is again time to pay a visit to our gorgeous, graceful and elegant friends over on the women's tennis tour.

"Surely that's not sarcasm"

Not at all, you saucy minx. But yourself aside, it's surely impossible to ignore, and indeed amusing to acknowledge, that there is a clear preponderance of less-than-svelte tennis machines being pumped out of the success factory that calls itself eastern Europe.

But it's not all doom and gloom for lovers of superficial assessments. The tour's relentless East German swimmers' tribute is somewhat tempered by the lovely Ana Ivanovic:

"Shall I show you my deep end"

Although a tad overdressed for a spot of swimming, Ana is otherwise a smouldering vixen in this stunning shot, easily distracting us from the surrounding practical disadvantages of water restrictions. She doesn't scrub up half bad while on court either:

At an Amazonian 6'2", blessed with the naturally silken complexion of a future Neutrogena pin-up and exuding the kind of faintly erotic aloofness so typical of Eastern bloc beauties, Ana - from Serbia and a finalist at this year's French Open - is the most effortlessly radiant of anyone currently wielding a tennis racket.

"Were you quite thorough in arriving at that conclusion"

Word.

Elsewhere, it's a bumper week for the ladies: the US Open is in its final stages, and the women have once again proven, both on court and off, why they are infinitely more interesting than their male counterparts.

Nadia Petrova gets ready to unveil her flushing meadow

Firstly, yet more appallingly sour grapes from Serena Williams Vushe, who served up quite the press conference after losing yet again to Justine Henin in the quarter-finals. The Serena-Henin QF is the mid-00s version of the perennial Serena-Capriati QF at the turn of the decade: It was their third consecutive meeting in the round of 8 of a grand slam, and the third consecutive loss for the Australian Idol finalist. That decision to fly back for the Wild Card show is looking a little reckless in hindsight, no?

"Bitch, please"

With sparkling arrogance, Serena has incurred the wrath of the media for an inelegant and unsportsmanlike conference following the loss, in which she described Henin's brilliant play in the following manner:

"I just think she made a lot of lucky shots and I made a lot of errors.... I really don't feel like talking about it. It's like I don't want to get fined. That's the only reason I came. I can't afford to pay the fines because I keep losing."

Poor baby

The conference itself is worth a closer look. A snippet from the transcript:

Q. Can you explain what went wrong out there tonight?
SERENA WILLIAMS: No, I can't. I'm sorry. Any more questions?

Q. Do you think fitness was an issue in this match?
SERENA WILLIAMS: I'm very fit. I can run for hours.

Q. Are you saying that you lost the match rather than Justine won it?
SERENA WILLIAMS: I think that's usually the case with me, that it's for me to win or lose.

S2BC adores a proper bitch: Let's hope Serena continues in that vein.

Meanwhile, her sister Venus won a 3rd set tiebreak over Jelena "Weird Al" Jankovic earlier today, restoring some class to the Williams family in a display of warm fuzzies after the win. Both girls congratulated each other, Venus labelling her opponent "incredible". Awww. It was a thrilling match of night play, eclipsing the subsequent and methodical despatch of Andy Roddick by the Fed Express.

Women's tennis is definitely where it's at. And it seems set to continue tomorrow night, in a scheduled night match sure to be beamed live via satellite into every bar across both Leichardt and Northcote:

Treasured S2BC reader Woodsman, of the brilliant but all-too-infrequently updated Billable Units, wonders whether the intensity of that particular match-up might be heightened by simply deciding the match via a "lick off". This doesn't sound altogether unappealing, now does it readers? Perhaps Mary Cheney could even be enlisted for the presentation ceremony, awarding the winner their trophy.

Or something similar

Perhaps the most bizarre development on the women's tour is the advent of Bethanie Mattek. Bethanie is a terrible player who hasn't hit a winner since the late 90s, but she sensibly computed early in her career that the only way she would ever attract attention in this line of work was through fashion. She certainly has a history of wearing outrageous outfits on court, but I didn't quite realise the extent of her madness until I read this today on the US Open website:

"Known for her outlandish outfits -- she was fined here in 2005 for wearing an argyle cowboy hat -- Mattek made an eye-popping exit: leopard headband, low-cut leopard top and those leopard shorts."

Fuck the leopard print - A COWBOY HAT?

My curiosity piqued, I reprioritised my entire life setting aside such pesky nonsense as "Urgent Meetings" to ensure that I could obtain photographic evidence of this spectacular event. You are the beneficiaries of that research, dear readers:

Sheer brilliance. And she was fined! God bless this woman.

For the record, this would have to be her pièce de résistance:

That's right: that would be a split-sleeve beige number with a crotcheted waist, complete with a lace headband and knee-high lace bow-tie socks. The overall effect is something you might get if you bumped into Tonya Harding at a toga party and pushed her through a paper shredder. In other words: I LOVE IT.

Here is a taste of her other fashion statements, among them a metallic Wonder Woman tribute outfit, the Florida retiree leopard print from this year's Open, and a soccer-themed Wimbledon effort, right down to the socks.

What's not to love about women's tennis?

Australian Eyeful: A Risible Result

2007-09-04T13:57:00.000+10:00

Last night's episode of Australian Idol was the 7th episode in NINE DAYS.

No-one, not even the most ardent of fans, can expect to think clearly after such an overlong and ineptly produced parade of average singers. Accordingly, some slapdash and ill-advised decisions were made, to the detriment of us all.

The least said about that the better.

But before that bitter, rancid icing on a very mediocre cake, the first misstep occurred in the category of fashion, in which wholesale tragedies were on display.

1. James Mathison's noodle tie;

2. Brianna Carpenter purposelessly wearing sunglasses INDOORS and AT NIGHT;

3. Matt Corby's striped, shrunken-sleeved jacket, stolen from his Mum's 80s business suit archive;

4. Mark Da Costa's vest, continuing a worrying Idol trend. Remember these from last year's finale?

Luckily, Serena Parasite Williams Vushe was on hand to grace us with her divine presence and comparatively inoffensive fashion, even chatting to Andrew G at the start of the show, having surprisingly made time in her busy US Open playing schedule to fly back from New York and join her fellow finalists. She looked and sounded a bit sedated and said something about the purity of God's love before choking on her own tongue, overwhelmed at the amazingness of her fellow competitors. Meanwhile, Ben McKenzie was dressed in casual attire, looking like such an adorable little fag that he even delicately flattened out his jeans before sitting down, as though taking care to avoid creases in his skirt. Bless.

The second poorly thought out category could be entitled "Staging".

1. Cal Wilson, of Nova radio, with her mere entrance wordlessly demonstrated exactly why she works in radio, then introduced a new segment entitled "Eye On Idol", an alleged behind-the-scenes spinoff offering such breathtaking innovation as "You get to know things about the contestants" and, the clincher, "watching Andrew G do a handstand". Nice work on the pitch, Cal.

2. The judges so desperately tried to create drama from their selection of 2 Wild Cards to make the finals (the other 2 were selected by viewers) that they left the stage to "confer" in a laughably staged fashion about their choice. Never one to endorse false drama, Marcia barely contributed to the fake discussion, instead grabbing a cushion and shoving it up her clacker for the duration of the segment. It was the only sense she's ever made.

So who are our newest finalists?

The first two were not surprises: Daniel Mifsud and Mark Da Costa, selected by viewers, and obvious choices based on Sunday night's performances. Daniel was clearly so impressed with his own unexpectedly capable and scarfless performance that he evidently proceeded to spend the night out on the tear, leaving a terrible, Corleone-esque husk to his voice. His repeat performance was therefore unlistenable. Meanwhile, Mark wasn't content to take his public validation for granted, instantly buffering his future position by dedicating his selection to a cancer-addled friend. Nice work. Later, while chatting to Andrew G, he said, "We're here to sing, but we're also here to experience more than music." Hello Krostie looked on vacantly, yet to experience even this.

Perhaps the only surprise was that Natalie G(r)auci, the night's standout performer and performing second last (GOLDFISH MEMORIES, you understand), did not go through on public vote. No matter - she's surely next.

And then bang. It's not Natalie, but Carl Risible.

Yes. CARL RISIBLE IS AN AUSTRALIAN IDOL FINALIST.

"Hi! I'm not at all conspicuously absent tonight"

On behalf of Australia, we're sorry Cheray. That Hello Krostie stole your initial place as a finalist, that your Wild Card opportunity was stolen by Dave Andrews, and now, that your former fuck Carl, an armed forces trumpet player and generally inferior musician with a voice like Chewbacca or perhaps Harry from out of Harry & The Hendersons, is now occupying a spot in the Top 12.

Speaking of people outstaying their welcome and/or former fucks: last night we were treated to an infomercial for Hayley Jensen's latest album. Bless her cotton socks, she is funding her own music as an independent artist. It also seems as though she may have got up to a little sumtin' sumtin' with Carl while singing to our troops in Iraq, possibly armed with his trumpet.

"Who hasn't"

Quite.

And with that only 1 place was left in the finals. With 3 male Wild Cards through, it seems safe to assume the next will be female. But with such bold assumption comes the capacity for disappointment.

"Hi! I'm not at all consipic-"

OK. I'm going to let it go. But it's true that for a few brief minutes, I was concerned that the judges would not choose Natalie but instead Kim Cattrall, someone with whom they have been endlessly fascinated. Certainly, the mere mention of a "journey" after the break would mean Kim had secured her place. Thankfully, it was left to Marcia to make the announcement, and since Marcia chose Natalie for the Wild Card in the first place, the result was as plain as day. And so it was, but not before Marcia's usual redundant spiel about choosing Wild Cards being so difficult that her brain explodes, which explains the wigs. In addition, she spices up the intro by thanking all the male competitors for opening her floodgates. Some things never change.

And there you have it. Our Top 12 is complete. And while the general viewership sits equal parts nonplussed and dumbfounded at home, James Mathison attempts to revive flagging interest by baselessly declaring this to be "The most competitive Top 12 we've ever had".

"We beg to differ"

See you all on Sunday.

Interrupting Idol Programming To Laugh At The Misfortune Of Others

2007-09-03T21:45:00.000+10:00

Most readers will already be aware that one of S2BC's favourite things is spontaneous, unexpected reminders of gravity: the simple delight to be had in watching people fall over. Here is but one example.

One of my other favourite things is journalistic faux pas, those delicious moments where reporters or newsreaders make hysterical, unforeseen missteps. I still remember Sandra Sully reporting the execution of Oklahoma bomber Timothy McVeigh by announcing that he had been "put down", and also when fellow Channel 10 newsreader Marie-Louise Thiele unwittingly called her husband an arsehole on-air.

Put those together and you have a recipe for uproarious hilarity.

Please now enjoy the following two examples this week of public face-plants combined with involuntary gigglefests from the journalists reporting them.

As an entrée, a portly Latin American singer who inexplicably dives off-stage:

And as main course, the prolonged consecutive falls of an otherwise elegant catwalk model in Paris:

Sometimes it's glorious to be alive, isn't it?

AI5's House Of Cards

2007-09-02T21:09:00.000+10:00

"Hi! I'm not at all conspicuously absent tonight"

As you can see, I'm still not over the whole Cheray omission scenario. Indeed, her particular performance sensibilities and general sass were sorely missed in a male-dominated Wild Card episode characterised by mediocrity.

However, there was luckily one amazing performance to salvage the devastating array of sheer drivel, and, in defiance of the judges' male favouritism, it came from a woman. And it was a DOOZY. But we'll get to that.

The show was kicked off by a noticeably wired James Mathison, whose already enormously alert eyes were doing their own personal, exaggerated homage to Ren & Stimpy tonight. He added to this startling contribution by later telling viewers, "If you want to know how to enter your Mum in the competition, visit our website..." Of course, he was merely explaining to viewers about the "My Mum Rocks" competition, but I was briefly concerned about which website he was going to be directing us to. This is, after all, a family show.

The judges eventually gave their usual spiel about competitors bringing their "A Game", as if it were simply a matter of remembering to pack the right equipment. Dicko didn't bring his, instead lazily recycling his philosophy from today's Sunday Age Rewind article that "there are no dead ends in life".

"Are those crickets I hear"

Thankfully, Kyle brought his, hilariously encouraging everyone to "sing their ring out". Right on.

So in what order did our Wild Cards arrange themselves tonight?

8. Carl Risible, "Bye Bye Love" (by The Everly Brothers)

This was a much better performance than last week from Cheray's one-time squeeze, but there's just no vocal range or control, let alone dexterity, in this man's terrible voice. If he gets through, you just know it's a matter of time until a John Stevens (American Idol 3) situation befalls us and we pray for the weekly train wrecks to end. Marcia called it "smooth" and she hopes we "get it", but she seems to be giving him kudos for ~~having a penis~~ separately being a credible musician, ignoring the clear reality of his weak, unlistenable voice, and so all we end up "getting" is bored.

7. Husny Thalib, "I Believe" (by Blessed Union of Souls)

Has Mark Holden ever wanted to bone a male before? He has a disturbing fixation with Husny. It could be the arms: Husny's arms are so muscly and prominent they should form their own band. If they did, they would be surely be known as The Thalibarms. Sadly, all Husny could deliver to me tonight was a pun. I wanted to love his performance, and to truly support his inclusion in the Top 12, but after declaring his love for Kate Bush, Britney Spears, Madonna and Prince, choosing an MOR mid-90s ballad from an American rock group was never going to cut the mustard. It seems a bizarre choice from someone who moments before performing declared that viewers "don't want the same thing anymore", which could only have been a reference to heterosexuals or obesity. In any event, this was a really average performance, further marred by a bizarre physical affliction causing him to awkwardly lock one arm in position by his side, almost the exact opposite of that experienced by Marty Simpson. Luckily, it's a very lovely arm.

6. Dave Andrews, "Dolphin's Cry" (by Live)

Swimmer Dave claims to feel an intensely personal connection to the lyrics of this song. That it's called "Dolphin's Cry" makes you instantly uncomfortable about Swimmer Dave's underwater antics. And while this is recognisably better than his last performance, he lost most of the notes in his lower register and meandered aimlessly around the stage like a footpath evangelist. The judging was again the most interesting part about Dave's Idol experience, in which we discover that this is YET ANOTHER of Marcia's 750,000 favourite songs. At this point, SonyBMG's mooted project entitled "Marcia Hines' Favourites" represents a potential compilation filling roughly 80 CDs. Finally, the performance was ably summed up by Andrew G, who encouraged viewers to vote with the emphatic rally cry "This is Dave Anderson!" which in its error-ridden clumsiness demonstrated that we are all already mercifully willing Dave's name from our lives.

5. Jacket Byrnes, "Long Train Running" (by The Doobie Brothers)

Jacket's jacket is less cumbersome this time. He is obviously thinking that the naval-cum-band leader jacket did wonders for Ben McKenzie, except the overall effect instead recalls Courtney Murphy on speed. The rainbow badge on his jacket explains some of the Liza Minelli dance moves from last week, subtly reinforcing that this year's Top 24 features more sister-girlfriends than the producers may have realised. But far from amazing us like Ben, it looks like he's going to be relegated to the bench with Husny: it was a capable but boring performance, saved only from its tranquillising effect by the judging. The judges were brutally honest, including Marcia, who offered actual criticism for the second time this season. As an added bonus, she delivered a sharp backhander to Jacket by complimenting only the guitar riff in the song. Nice work.

4. Sarah Lloyde, "Candyman" (by Xtina Aguilera)

Sarah is continuing her Sex & The City homage, appearing again as Kim Cattrall in short shorts. This performance started strongly, but she arranged the song with terrible, uncomfortable pauses and inept scatting, scarcely overpowering the back-up vocalists. Still, it's enough for 4th place tonight, and Sarah continues to present as a not-entirely-unsaleable marketing product, so there's hope. Meanwhile, it looks like each judge has someone they hate. For Kyle it's Husny, and for Mark it's unquestionably Sarah. As for Marcia, girlfriend is too busy "splitting the difference", whatever the fuck that means.

3. Daniel Mifsud, "Lay Your Love On Me" (by Roachford)

Someone has finally told him about the scarf! And I hate to say that while you could still quite happily upholster a couch from his chest hair, he actually looked really good tonight, and sang a million times better than at his first attempt. Surprise, surprise, this song is another one of Marcia's favourites, which we again learn the instant she opens her mouth. Then: "Your appendages can be one of the most awkward things in the world, can't they?" Marcia hornily enquired, barely restraining herself from offering a little sumtin' sumtin' to put those same appendages at ease. It wasn't quite "in the pocket", the term used by Kyle: rather, it was absolutely in the same ballpark as Dean Geyer and Millsy. The former's first single scarcely bothered the charts and the latter is currently wowing Australian audiences on Channel 9's Quizmania. That's all I'm sayin'. Still, it was good enough for 3rd place tonight, and it looks like we've got a couple of months yet with Idol's very own yeti.

2. Mark Da Costa, "Evie Pt 1" (by Stevie Wright)

UNWRITTEN RULE BREAK ALERT. This song delivered a touchdown last year to Porcine Murphy and I continue to maintain that previous touchdowns simply MUST be avoided. But that misstep aside, it was energetic, professional and sufficiently promising to earn our votes. Viewers, please bring this man's experience to the Top 12 to ensure both eyes and ears will be catered for.

1. Natalie G(r)auci, "Feelin' Good" (by Nina Simone)

As Natalie took the stage, I was immediately concerned about a potential copycat Fantasia Barrino performance: commencing the song seated in a reclined position, coupled with the era of the song being sung, vividly recalled Fantasia's peerless "Summertime" performance from mid-way through American Idol 3. But this grew quickly into its own unique and memorable moment, with Natalie showcasing both her musicianship and her vocal range without resorting to Xtina-style histrionics, demonstrating an intriguing delicate vulnerability in her voice which wasn't previously apparent. Free of excessive make-up and ravenous-crotched pants, Natalie delivered a classy, delicious, unexpected delight - clearly the 2nd best performance of this year so far and guaranteeing a 5th girl into the finals.

We're definitely seeing Natalie, Daniel and Mark in the Top 12. The other spot is truly anyone's guess.

Verdict 4: A Fucking Cheray-de

2007-08-31T09:21:00.000+10:00

Last night was a short episode. As such, it did not represent an onerous blogging proposition.

However, I was stunned into silence last night and have only this morning summoned the wherewithal to address the tragedy that calls itself "Australian Idol Season 5".

"That's not a tragedy. Some people don't own maps"

I tend to disagree, Miss Teen South Carolina. There is something even more devastating than geographical illiteracy going on here.

"Do you mean South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such as"

I wish that's what I meant, sweetie. Let me break it down for you.

The night began innocently enough, some might even say delightfully. It was the first time this series where both contestants winning through to the Final 12 had delivered good semifinal performances and truly deserved their place. Congratulations to Holly Weinert and Brianna Carpenter.

I'm not without my reservations about these two. Holly is from Mildura (COUNTRY ALERT), is friends with a homewrecker (BITCH BY ASSOCIATION) and can't even spell the name of Billie Holiday, her alleged own idol (ILLITERATE). Brianna does not believe in symmetrical hairstyles (UNBALANCED), is a startling prospect for camera close-ups (COMPROMISED DINNER VIEWING) and is armed with a potentially sickening array of self-involved singer/songwriter quirks to cumulatively poison us all (HEALTH RISK).

But to be fair, they were very entertaining last night, both individually and as an intertwined lesbian unit. Brianna was called first, reacting with genuine delight and surprise before heading immediately upstairs to join her fellow finalists. James Mathison then announced, with uncharacteristic poise and swiftness, that Holly was next through. Holly scarcely spent two tenths of a second "enjoying the moment" before turning on her heel with lightning speed and darting up to join Brianna. It was hilariously fast, and I started to love Holly even more at that moment, since she seemed to be acting as viewers' agent, channeling our desire to get the fuck on with the show.

Cue the Holly and Brianna reunion at the top of the stairs, which began as a sisterly hug of mutual congratulation, grew in intensity and ended up with both bitches splayed on the floor like the dirty wenches they no doubt really are. Brianna, of course, was the one caught on top, wrapped betwixt Holly's legs, her face inches away from Holly's crotch. Like an epiphany, the source of Brianna's sandpaper-ravaged face suddenly dawned on us all.

But joy soon turned to despair. There was the matter of Damien Leith's performance, with which the word "lacklustre" does not even wish to be associated. It was a lazy, uninteresting performance of a boring song, but somehow suitably emblematic of our 2007 Idol journey.

Then the heartbreaker: the 8 Wild Card recipients were announced. This year, each of the 4 judges gets to pick 2 semifinalists to perform again. In order:

Mark Holden

1. Husny Thalib. GOOD. Husny is nothing if not entertaining, and breaks the mould in a way that we actually care for it to be broken. Plus, there's the prospect of a Kate Bush-a-thon, commencing one hopes with "Wuthering Heights" on Sunday night.

"I love Bush as well"

2. Mark Da Costa. GOOD. Mark clearly delivered the 2nd best male performance of the semifinals, and is the nearest thing to "easy on the eyes" that the male contingent has this year. ~~OMG how fucking depressing~~.

Dicko

3. Dave Andrews. BAD. WTF? As we know, Dave is modest and unassuming, and probably a lovely bloke. By the same token, he weirds me out a bit, in the style of someone I might reluctantly leave alone with my baby nieces. Plus, he impersonated a hokkien noodle in his semifinal performance and doesn't deserve another chance.

4. Daniel Mifsud. SHITHOUSE. WTF? I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The judging panel all clearly wants to writhe around with Mifsud on a bed. Yawn. The surprise is that Dicko didn't select Sarah Lloyde, over whom he almost blew a load on Wednesday night. Plus, we're half way there and where is my girl Cheray?

Marcia Hines

5. Natalie G(r)auci. GOOD. Marcia took half an hour to explain, like she does every year, about how devastatingly difficult and time-consuming it is to choose Wild Cards, and presumably also to arouse interest in anything she says. But it looks like Marcia's bringing it home for the sisterhood of the hungry pants. And from memory Marcia liked Cheray's semifinal sass, so surely she's next?

6. Carl Risible. HORRENDOUS. WTF? Carl was terrible, placing last in his group according to me, but we should have known, since Carl is not altogether unattractive, and Marcia's principal concern is boning anything with a penis. Methinks there was a certain someone who was more than welcome after last night's show.

Kyle

7. Jack Byrnes. GOOD. Jack has one of the most powerful male voices, and incongruous drag queen dance moves aside, should get another chance to show us another ~~jacket~~ song. But at this point we're 6 guys to 1 girl. And on the basis of Kyle's penchant for anything with breasts, you just know the last place is going to Sarah Lloyde. But he liked Cheray, didn't he? Surely there's a chance?

8. Sarah Lloyde. BA-BOW. Sarah clinches the 2nd female spot, on the basis of her Idol "journey", which seems simply to involve some yelling, acting out a different Dreamgirls scene at every opportunity, and progressively getting thinner since her first audition. Who knew? Now she's Kim Cattrall.

Right. So let's get this straight. EVERY SINGLE GUY except Lyall Adonis and Junior To'o, who both delivered lamentable performances, have been given a second chance. Meanwhile, only 2 women - AGAIN - just like last year.

WHAT ABOUT CHERAY?

Cheray was the best in her semifinal group, is probably the most credible female musician and showed the most potential for genre-straddling, but still not a single bite from any of the judges. This is despite each of them giving glowing feedback after her performance, including Dicko ("Where on earth did you pull that rabbit from? That was sassy, funky and I loved it") and Kyle ("I'm really, really impressed with you"). To add insult to injury, Cheray was seated in the back row last night and got no camera time, despite looking fetching in a hat.

While Hello Krostie dives for some razor blades out of continuing guilt and everyone else scratches their heads in disbelief, James Mathison, as a laughably insufficient consolation, suspenselessly announces a rule change that from next year will allow all unsuccessful semifinalists from this and past years to audition again for another stab at Idol. The audience tries to care, but there's no masking the fact that this announcement smacks of desperation and nervousness on the part of producers at the prospect of a depleted talent pool for future shows and the dire current situation of Season 5.

Idol is dead to me ~~at least until Sunday~~.

AI5: Verdict 3 & Semifinal 4

2007-08-30T09:52:00.000+10:00

A wise reader of this site succinctly identified that the voting pattern of this series seems to involve nothing more complex than the following equation: 1 good person + 1 shit person = Finalists.

I tend to think it's more a case of "Vote 4 1 good person & OMG my fone is da shit LOLZ!!!!11!1 fuk who sang last o yeah that lost 1 OMG I luv Dean Geyer 4eva!!!11!".

Last night again delivered into the Top 12 a deserving competitor (Ben McKenzie, looking singularly uncomfortable above in an unsuccessfully executed bloke-like photographic pose) and an undeserving one (Marty Simpson, looking a lot like Agro by way of Summer Bay). At least Marty has a distinctive voice and has shown potential (provided he devises an arm strategy for future performances).

How did our last set of young lassies do?

6. Morgan Hosking (a.k.a. Honking Orgasm), "You Learn" (by Alanis Morissette)

We shouldn't really have very high expectations of Morgan because she has virtually no imagination. Q: What should I wear? A: BLACK! Q: What should I perform? A: "Special Ones" by george! (She performed this TWICE, once at her first audition and again as her final Top 64 solo.) Q: What should I perform if I'm a black-obsessed, crucifix-wielding, goth-loving alleged rock chick and "Special Ones" is apparently ineligible? A: Alanis, of course!

WTF?

Yep. Nothing quite like a moderately successful fifth single with uplifting lyrics from a seminal pop-rock album to communicate alleged angsty, gothic tendencies. More like sex with a cadaver than a honking orgasm, this was a wet, lifeless, amateur abortion of a performance. At least she got her Amy Lee on something chronic dress-wise. Obviously I would have given her extra points if she'd sung kneeling down in something like this:

But alas it wasn't to be. Dicko memorably likened her to a drunk bridesmaid at a gothic wedding, but Marcia said it best when she declared simply, "I think you got through it." Only just.

5. Madison Wildenstein Pritchett (a.k.a. Constipated Mirth), "When You're Gone" (by Avril Lavigne)

This performance was the most joyously close to a re-enactment of the great 2005 Laura Gissara debacle that we've ever had. Another serial song selector (she twice sang Kelly C's "Because of You" in the audition stages), Madison spiced up her performance not only with unwieldy, dramatic arm movements, but also with a deplorable, glass-shattering key change. It was a moment of quiet contentment for viewers to watch Madison grapple with recalcitrant hairs that stubbornly attached themselves to her face. Buh-bye.

4. Rosie Ribbons, "Everybody Hurts" (by R.E.M.)

Not content to let Parasite Williams Vushe be the only affordably dressed contestant, Rosie carved up her Mum's 1980s silver-specked clutch purse and glued it on to a Bonds t-shirt for last night's performance. Thankfully, she left her Gippsland shopping centre eyeliner at home and looked otherwise reasonably presentable, but for a UK Pop Idol Top 6 alumna and glamorous Dubbo resident, her output last night was not only disappointingly bland but also a televisual laxative. She managed to excise all emotion from Michael Stipe's aching lament, replacing it with hilariously ill-judged vocal aerobics, and lengthening her vowels to the point that she often forgot the word she'd begun to sing only nanoseconds earlier. The best example of this was toward the end when what should have been "Everybody Huuuurts..." became instead "Everybody Hwooooooooooaaaaaiiiiigh!". Perhaps she was just greeting us. Bless.

But obviously the best part of Rosie's performance was the judging. Now as we all know, Marcia Hines is best friends with every major successful songwriter and recording artist, loves and/or has expert knowledge of every major successful song ever written, and has often additionally recorded the song the relevant Idol performer has just sung. Last night was no exception: it just so happens Rosie had the misfortune of choosing "Everybody Hurts" IMMEDIATELY AFTER Marcia recorded it! Shithouse timing, Ribbons: why didn't you do your homework? The only correct modern interpretation of this song is clearly a storming disco-pop re-imagining. At least Marcia delved into her first bit of constructive feedback for the season: "Too many licks, dahlin'", which, although spot on, is something you just intrinsically sense does not usually form the basis of a protest from Marcia.

3. Sarah Lloyde (a.k.a. Really Sad Ho), "...And I Am Telling You (I'm Not Going)" (by Jennifers Holliday & Hudson)

The only thing Sarah loves more than redundant, unpronounced letters is the Dreamgirls soundtrack. Sarah loooooooooooooves the Dreamgirls soundtrack and wants to marry it, as evidenced by her performance of Beyoncé's "Listen" in her first audition (complete with Beyoncé's sister-girlfriend diction: "Listen...Mm-hmm"), and then last night's butchering of the production's one true show-stopper, which most recently bagged fellow Idol alumna J-Hud an Oscar (something which I foreshadowed, just FYI). It was a capable performance, but if we're meant to be holding these potential finalists to a certain standard, then there's no way Sarah makes it. Putting award-winning versions aside, Sarah's effort wasn't even 1% of a patch on the previous American Idol semifinal versions performed by Frenchie Davis or LaKisha Jones. Still, she ranks Number 3 on a horrendous night for the girls. This season is sooooo going to be won by a boy. At least Marcia piped up with another pearler, in response to an inference by Dicko that Mark has had surgery: "This isn't about what Mark's done. To himself. Which is a lot."

2. Brianna Carpenter, "Fidelity" (by Regina Spektor)

Another Mom creation

This performance should be book-marked for future reference: along with Brianna's tenuous stylistic resemblance to Chanel Cole comes the potential that Marcia will soon begin to hate her. Will Marcia's assertion after this performance that "Brianna won't get on my nerves!" come back to bite her? We'll see. As for the performance itself, there are a few points to note. First: Björk is in da house again. The splendid Emzed has kindly sourced for me the Margaret Cho skit in which she impersonates Björk to side-splitting effect: it can be viewed here (at around 3m40s). Amazing. And while Hello Krostie innocently invited peripheral comparison to the Icelandic star in her semi-final performance on Monday night, nothing could quite have prepared us for the startling eccentric imitation provided by Brianna last night. Words fail me, etc.

I really, really enjoyed Brianna's vocal - it's actually a wonderful song - but the faux coquettish theatrics in a dress designed by HER MOM detracted from it slightly, not to mention the calculated quirk factor in her facial expressions. Speaking of facials: someone get this bitch a Neutrogena face mask and sliced cucumber quick smart. Sandpaper is obviously no stranger to carpenters, and this one is no exception. Points, though, for a tremendous smackdown of Kyle. When he said he wasn't into the song, she said simply, "Yeah... I didn't really expect you to be." Glorious.

1. Holly ~~Winehouse~~ Weinert, "Easy" (by The Commodores and Faith No More)

Holly loves Sunday mornings: first she sang No Doubt's song of the same name at her first audition, then last night sang about being particularly easy on said mornings. An ice addict, perhaps? Who knows, but she was quite clearly last night's best. Marcia was on fire again when she self-thesaurusised her commentary: "In it, amid it, amongst it all, you stayed, remained, yourself." Did she lift that from a poem? Gold.

Methinks it's Holly and Brianna who are through to the finals, but on the basis of goldfish memories, Rosie Ribbons is in with a shot.

All I can say is: bring on the Wild Card. There is some serious rectification necessary to salvage this from being the worst Top 12 in history.

POSTSCRIPT: Speaking of the Wild Card. Treasured reader Danni wants to know who I endorse for a shot at the Wild Card.

Assuming 8 contenders, I think these 6 people will be invited back:

...plus 2 from tonight. Or they could pull what they did last year and inflate the number of boys, based on the girls being generally shithouse. Who knows. Whatever the case: it's all about Husny and Cheray.

AI5: Verdict 2 & Semifinal 3

2007-08-29T09:45:00.000+10:00

This episode delivered the series' first set of surprises.

1. ProActiv's next posterboy, Ben McKenzie, delivering the performance of the competition so far (see below);

2. Bookies' favourite Lyall Adonis conversely delivering a god-awful train wreck; and

3. Lana "Hello Kitty" Krost making the finals.

A nervous Lana before the show

WTF?

The only aesthetic disparity between Hello Kitty and Hello Krostie is that the former has no mouth. Nonetheless, it's likely that the former's performance would have been superior. And so Monday night's worst performer has sailed into the Top 12 on the back of a sickeningly cutesy rendition of a Fergie song, thereby ensuring a repeat for Australian viewers of this atrocity:

That would be Lauren, from Season 1. Don't tell me you can't see it coming.

But we simply must make the most of a bad situation and focus on the positives: Lana is cute. And she has an endearingly warped accent, with vague remnants of Japanese inflection, and a disturbingly vacant stare, combining to create an overall effect not unlike O-Ren Ishii:

Dicko clearly nailed it on the head when he recommended facetiously, "Perform last." Viewers have short memories, and to date this has benefitted both Lana and Jacob Butler. Meanwhile, caterwauling powerhouse Parasite Williams Vushe was the only obvious choice to make it through. Again dressed affordably, Parasite took about 8 minutes to explain to us that she couldn't sleep, by the end of which not a single viewer could say the same. Better luck in the Wild Card round Cheray.

Now on to the boys, in descending order of quality.

6. Lyall Adonis

COPYCAT ALERT! This song delivered a touchdown to Dan England in Season 3: Strike 1. This was absolutely terrible, and inescapably infused with an incongruous touch of the Jesus, from the audition package reference to a "carpenter resurrection" through to his dramatic "on the cross" raising of the arms: Strike 2. And when Marcia don't dig it, even when you TAKE IT TO CHURCH: Strike 3. What a shame.

5. Dave Andrews

For someone who's an alleged fan of Radiohead and Queen, stripping a John Farnham up-tempo classic back into a ballad seems like a misguided choice to say the least. This limp, insipid performance was such a wasted opportunity. I find it interesting that semi-finalists who rely on their instruments to define their music - Dave, Natalie Gauci - revert to boring ballads when equipped only with a microphone. At what point do these people say, "Yes, my finest reaction thus far has come during an acoustic rendition of a Radiohead song; I think it's obvious that my next choice should be some Farnham!"

4. Marty Simpson, a.k.a My Son's Armpit

He brushed up much cleaner than I could possibly have anticipated. But aside from the eyebrows, this time Marty's fatal mistake was to not have decided in advance what to do with his right arm while performing: he awkwardly held it mid-air alongside the microphone as though creating parentheses for the lyrics. Either that, or it was a failed attempt at visually interpreting the song's title, "Over My Head". I share Dicko's love of this guy's voice, but this was utterly pedestrian.

3. Jack Byrnes

Jack's accessory of choice seems to be a HUGE JACKET. He is always wearing one, even during "busy" performances. Credit to him for still finding a way to move under its weight: for a greasy, chubby guy with braces, he's definitely got soul. "You took it to church!" wailed Marcia, in one of her better moments. But there was also something absolutely filthy and visually assaulting about Jack's hyper-sexual and strangely effeminate onstage grooving. When Dicko called him on his womanly jives, Jack was quick to call him "Dude" in order to conclusively nip any rumours in the bud. Nice work. And while Jack was good and all, his pre-performance package mostly made me rue that we never got to meet the Rihanna look-alike the the judges ditched from his audition group of 4. How seriously did she fuck up that she was sacrificed in favour of someone like Country De Rouge? I think I need therapy.

2. Mark Da Costa

"Thought I was at the pub!" Mark exclaimed at the end amid crowd cheers. Indeed. I know this was a capable rock performance, but all I could think of was Kelly "Rock Chick" Cavuoto's equal if not superior Season 1 version of this song. I also resent that he appears to have broken the unwritten Idol rule that audition songs are not to be re-performed: this formed the basis of his FIRST AUDITION, quite rightly pointed out by the brilliant Glen (read him here at one of my favourite sites, Stale Popcorn). Still, let's not get too worked up. This was better than every single other male semi-final performance barring Number 1 below.

1. Ben McKenzie

Ben loves Imogen Heap and Brooke Fraser, both brilliant female singer-songwriters. If you cover your eyes as he speaks, he sounds a bit like Jennifer Hawkins. And as Ben sang "Daughters" as his audition song, one assumes he identified closely with the song's subject. So there is definitely an androgynous theme developing in Ben's screen persona, but there is no denying that this was an excellent performance. It was also the first opportunity for Marcia to bust out something about story-telling, which is invariably a veiled attempt to compliment herself. But she was right: this was an unexpected delight, and I sense he has earned his place in the finals.

AI5: Semi-Finals 1 and 2

2007-08-27T20:57:00.000+10:00

Hello to all, and, in defiance of that word's already inherently exhaustive meaning, I extend, as a special treat, a greeting to sundry as well.

I must also extend my apologies. That tiresome inconvenience - employment - is responsible for my lacklustre blogging performance so far vis-à-vis the Idol semi-finals. But as fate would have it, I am going to wrap up both episodes now to provide my two cents' worth.

"I'll chip in another 48"

The Boys

This was potentially the most spectacularly boring semi-final I have ever witnessed. Each of the judges deserves a pay rise for not being knocked unconscious by the utter mediocrity on display. It certainly renders the magic of Chanel's "Glory Box" performance in the corresponding semi-final 3 years ago all the more worthy of praise, does it not?

Let's have a brief look at each of the performances, ranked in descending order of quality.

6. Carl Risible

Serving up a piping hot dish of sonic excrement, Carl knocked himself out of contention with a painfully sung and boringly performed two minutes of drivel. Michael Buble's "Home" is actually that performer's first and best stab at writing his own music, and it's usually a gorgeous, wistful lullaby when done correctly. Not here. Though I quite liked Kyle's far-too-polite commentary, likening Carl to undercooked toast. Marcia's quite right: as a singer, Carl is clearly an excellent trumpet player.

5. Junior Joseph GaTo'o

A dead ringer for last year's flaccid Joseph Gatehau, Junior To'o shares that performer's unique ability to cure insomnia in mere seconds. In one of history's poorest ever song choices, Junior chose Pink's uber-political "Dear Mr President", then proceeded to explain that the song isn't really all that political. Oooookaay then. Pink certainly wouldn't have been pleased about his leather jacket, but at least he wore a lovely Big Brother tribute t-shirt, and Mark Holden did amusingly congratulate him for not "over-licking" the song. Blimey.

4. Daniel Mifsud, a.k.a. Semi-Final Dud

To the delight of all Australians, Daniel's anagram proved prescient. Draped in a new scarf fashioned from his very own neck hair, he sang Diesel's "Tip Of My Tongue", a haunting ode to clitoral massage, with all the flair of an ingrown toenail. Incredibly, Daniel then admitted that by way of preparation he had only previously listened to the song four times in his life. Nice work.

3. Husny Thalib

Disappointingly bland output vocally and song-wise from Idol's resident genre-buster, enlivened only by a spot of pelvic thrusting and a few well-timed pouts, which one supposes might be close to Husny's entire life strategy. I think Husny has the potential to both shock and impress us, but this wasn't an example. Where is the Britney, the Kate Bush? At least Marcia came to the party: her constructive feedback was to recommend that Husny give "bit by bit by bit then explode", a sequence with which I sense he is already familiar.

2. Jacob Butler

In such a drab line-up, Jacob capably executed a musical Stephen Bradbury to claim the second-best performance of the night and sweep into the finals. He took a risk in singing a song most people have heard approximately 4,000 times more than they ever intended in their lifetime, but it was earnestly performed, and don't you just want to grab those cheeks and give them a squeeze? James Mathison does, and perhaps even a bit more, memorably grabbing the mic stand and telling Jacob, "Don't mind me, I'm just moving the pole behind you." NEWSFLASH: Marcia's jade ear accessories are actually EARPHONES! Did you catch one dangling around her neck after this performance? Amazing.

1. Matt Corby

Matt's place in the finals was reserved before he even took to the stage, but it really shouldn't have been that easy. For starters, he sang Stevie Wonder's "I Wish" without injecting any discernible uniqueness or passion into the performance, delivering a finished product that I'm amazed to say was even inferior to ~~Tammy Faye~~ Kate De Rouge's, if that's at all possible. Then there was the choice of accessory, a kind of cross between a picnic rug and Yasser Arafat's headgear: WTF. Clearly hanging out far too much with Daniel Mifsud, Matt is developing disturbing fixations with misguided neckwear and excessive hair, and will need to "bring his A-game" "moving forward".

The verdict? It was pleasantly and unusually swift; featured Mifsud mercifully sans scarf; and, critically, was the right outcome. Plus, Jacob's sheer delight at being chosen was genuinely nice to see. It will be interesting to see if the arrival of warmer weather will encourage Jacob to stop storing those acorns in his cheeks and to get stuck in to some serious non-X Factor-style performances to give Matt a run for his money.

The Girls

6. Lana Krost, a.k.a. Oral Stank

And stink it did: this was an unbearably twee car crash of a performance from the youngster, complete with butchered song structure, fumbled lyrics, and, especially, over-mannered coyness. Anyone who has seen Margaret Cho's hysterical impersonation of Björk would have noticed a strangely familiar flavour here.

5. Jesse "Homewrecker" Curran

Jesse has copped a bit of press this week for destroying the life of James Blundell's wife, through a cunning seduction of James that prompted him to ditch the marital unit in favour of life in Mildura. In today's MX, neo-De Rouge pleaded with the Australian public to judge her on her singing only. I don't think anyone will hesitate to accept that invitation after this dreadful performance. The judges' references to Julie Andrews were spot-on: this was insufferably Sunday schoolteacher-esque. But it did end on a hilarious note, with Marcia mistaking something Jesse said with a reference to the Blundellgate scenario, proceeding to offer her opinion on it to boot. Thoroughly uncomfortable but no less sensational viewing.

4. Natalie Gauci, a.k.a. La Cutie

La Cutie was all at sea without her enormous keyboard, giving Xtina a red-hot go but falling well short. I spent most of this performance distracted by Natalie's crotch, which most disturbingly resembled a horse feeding from a trough. It seemed that with each step a further portion of her pants was swallowed by her ravenous nether regions, and Kyle quite rightly called her on it. Ba-bow.

3. Sally Van Der Zwart

I was none too positive in forecasting Sally's chances in my Top 24 analysis, but I was very pleasantly surprised by this performance. The pre-performance package recapping her auditions cast her as a serial ballad-lover, foreshadowing a potential vanilla overdose for us all - but the result was in fact, bravely, a non-ballad, delivered with gusto and perfect pitch. She was brought a bit undone by a complete lack of stagecraft, sashaying around aimlessly with faux angst that lacked credibility. Still, she's in with a slim chance.

2. Tarisai Williams, a.k.a. Virtue Sis'

I stubbornly refuse to like Tarisai. Unlike her principal Idol predecessors Emily and Paulini, Tarisai is manifestly incapable of modulating the power and tone of her voice, invariably producing a screamfest which ends up fusing into one noisy, monotonous caterwauling session. Still, she somehow pulled off this performance. It was a nice mix of mid- and up-tempo, and she looked rather adorable on the whole, wearing some type of cat overtop an enlarged album cover for "The Diary of Alicia Keys". Most notably, it elicited a couple of inspired corkers from Dicko, who first labelled Virtue Sis' "stark raving mad" before likening her performance to "an audition for Sybil". Gold.

1. Cheray Doughty

Hooray again for Cheray. I was a bit nervous at the prospect of Cheray attempting the singularly primal groan which colours all of Joss Stone's music, especially since the show's editors had previously cast her in earnest singer-songwriter mode. Cheray busted out of that pigeonhole with an unexpectedly sexy performance, undone only by a questionable final note. Impressive stage movement, a confidently sassy strut, and a surprising flair for soul: the best performance so far of all the semi-finalists.

For mine, Cheray and Tarisai are shoo-ins - shoos-in? - as the only plausible potential finalists from this set. Your thoughts?

S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Australian Idol Performances: 8-6

2007-08-25T14:19:00.000+10:00

It's time to resume our Top 20 retrospective extravaganza, taking us deep into the Top 10 with Numbers 8 through 6. We're really getting to the special stuff now.

8. Guy Sebastian, "When Doves Cry" (Season 1, Top 6)

Unquestionably Guy's second most memorable Idol moment, this performance of the Prince classic is criminally unavailable on YouTube. I own the Season 1 DVD which features it, I but don't possess the requisite know-how to breach copyright and load it on there myself. Instead, you get a brief video grab without sound and some screenshots of the performance. Thankfully, it's all you need to jog your memory: it was that good. There's the hair; the appropriately purple theme running through Guy's choice of clothes; the unique arrangement, kicking off with a slow, stripped back intro; a natural and assured use of the whole stage; and the comic final moment, where Guy's attempt to close the song out with a dramatic flourish is foiled by his missing the microphone stand as he spins around. It all rolls into one fantastic, two-minute thrill, one of the show's absolute all-time creative highs.

7. Rebekah LaVauney, "Exhale (Shoop Shoop)" (Season 1, Wild Card Round)

One of approximately 1,000 former finalists hailing from New Zealand, Bek was the one from the first season who re-invented motherhood. She so visibly ached with love for her two boys, whose names she had tattooed on her arm and who she desperately missed during the finals. This was briefly quirky and endearing, but it eventually took on a tiresome and disturbing Billy Bob-and-Angelina-blood-sharing style intensity, and her performances became insufferably worse the longer she was apart from those kids. She recovered in time to deliver a fondly remembered swansong, Renee Geyer's "Heading In The Right Direction", which she later released as a single. Turns out it was the wrong direction.

It's a shame because hers was one of the most exciting and promising Idol beginnings: She finished 3rd in her semi-final group behind Guy and Shannon with a gorgeous version of Lauren Hill's "Ex Factor", before deservedly winning a Wild Card and a trip to the finals with this, a stunning rendition of Whitney Houston's early 90s ballad. There's so much to love about this performance: the heartfelt, self-penned intro dedicated to her boys, which at the time seemed sweetly and earnestly inventive; her segue into the song proper, a world-weary and knowing tilt of the head as she inhales; an imperfect but no less commanding vocal delivery, both rich and restrained, full of innate R&B sensibilities; and a singular specialness in the way she relates the song's message, with a quiet story-telling intensity second only to Casey Donovan. I quite simply adore this performance.

6. Chanel Cole, "Glory Box" (Season 2, Semi-Finals)

Chanel's finest hour came early in the piece, wrapped up in the sexiest and most daring performance in the show's history. In 1 minute and 44 seconds Chanel manages to, um, channel all the bold sultriness of Beth Gibbons' original vocal, while imbuing it with an unforgettable new sensuality. Watch how, about 25 seconds in, Chanel instinctively draws her arm across the microphone as she coos, "I've been a temptress too long...". It's a movement so feline that you almost expect her to purr at that point. Chanel never bettered this truly amazing performance: it's cleverly arranged, confidently and beguilingly sung, and charged with such distinctive sexual energy that it almost deserves an M15+ rating.

Top 5 to follow soon. Recap 20-16 here, 15-11 here and 10-9 here.

AI5: Dissecting The Top 24

2007-08-21T09:53:00.001+10:00

Monday night came and went without any satisfying Klancie-style crybaby outbursts (barring Jasmine's spectacular bogan dummy spit), but it did usefully expose the obvious favourites, who for once appear (a) male and (b) meritorious. These two things almost never coincide.

In all of recorded history, only 3 vaguely capable male singers have appeared on this show: Guy, Anthony and Damien, with only the first truly resembling anything like a popstar. (Granted, I must begrudgingly admit that Shannon has since dished out a surprising array of good pop songs - more on that in S2BC's next Top 20 extravaganza).

But now add to that list this man:

"Even my teeth are perfect"

More on him later. As for the women, this year unusually it's a bunch of self-appointed quirky blonde chicks with guitars all aiming to be the Second Best Thing To Come Out Of This Country Musically. Lisa Mitchell has a lot to answer for. Yawn.

Thankfully, the main annoying hangers-on were severed from the bunch early. Favourite destinations for the eliminated contestants seem to be "the drawing board" and "the shearing shed", which sounds all very practical and probably more productive than any musical endeavour. Marcia again presided over their despatch in the guise of Concerned Earth Mother, draped in funereal black to mourn the decline of the environment and occasionally pretending to cry. When in doubt, look down and dab the face, irrespective of moisture levels: works a treat!

While the decisions to boot Cleo Bowman, RedDreads™, Dylan "Hi I'm So Fuckin' Kookie & Especially Indie Just Look At MY HAIR" Yeandle and above all Jerry Lewis-wannabe Jordan Paris were met with delight at my end of the televisual relationship, I was surprised they opted to cull the only male country voice, Chad Woods. I didn't like him in the slightest but they gave Klancie a go last year, and even went to the trouble of filming on his farm. Plus he's clearly the spitting image of what JonBenet Ramsay would have looked like had she survived and had a sex change.

I was sad to part ways with the brilliantly named Cyndi Dietrich (even if vocally last night she sounded a bit like a limp carrot). Also, there were repeated sightings of Kelis and Rihanna in the Top 64; WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM PLEASE. Seriously, there was a dead ringer for Rihanna in that group and frankly if someone looks like a popstar it's quite possibly worth giving them a chance regardless of their vocal ability. ("I second that" - Amali Ward)

"My hair doubles as a jellyfish"

But it's time for the haves, not the have-nots. In random order, let's meet our Top 24. To assist our entirely unsuperficial analysis, I have savvily undertaken some "research" (via the website) and again consulted the infallibly prophetic power of the anagram to gain some insight into what the future holds for our semi-finalists.

Name: Natalie Gauci
Anagram: "La Cutie, Again"
Likelihood of success: 6/10

La Cutie is part of a rare breed of Australian Idol contestant - attractive. And let's face it, Australians like their female finalists to be anything from pudgy to outright obese, but never slim and sexy. There is virtually no precedent on this show for attractive female musicians to make the finals, let alone do well, and her anagram would seem to suggest she is merely the next in a long line of blandly gorgeous competitors to come and go. However, it is possible that she did something vaguely palatable with a keyboard on Monday night, which is somewhat promising, even if she is clearly only proficient in the use of a limited number of keys.

Anyway, on the website, Natalie claims to adore Peter Gabriel, which is her way of telling us she plans to ram adult contemporary choices down our throats with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer (<-- see what I did there? I love us!). This is despite Natalie also telling us that "I love it because I can relate to it and it challenges my ears", which may sound like she's championing an entirely new sexual orifice, but she's actually referring to pop music! So there's hope for us all.

Name: Tarisai Vushe
Anagram: "A-ha! Virtue Sis'"; "Visa: I Heart Us!"
Likelihood of success: 4/10

Virtue Sis' is our very own wailing, bible-bashing Paris Bennett, and represents much more of a threat to our borders than Mohammed Haneef. We are yet to see much of Vushe's Tush, so it remains to be seen whether she has been made by her Divine Maker in the vein of Paulini circa Young Divas or Serena circa [insert grand slam victory], but what is clear is that she belongs to the "Why Respect The Melody When You Can Fucking Shout The Song A New Arsehole" school of singing. S2BC is usually a passionate adherent of the Virtue Sis' prototype - see also Paulini, Bek, Anne, Emily, Lavina - but this one is testing the patience. My guess is Australia will agree. Even Marcia seems strangely disconnected from her sister-girlfriend, responding to Kyle's labelling of Virtue Sis' as "Mini Marcia" with the indignant retort "That AIN'T me!". But we must at least love this little wench because of the clangers coming out of her God-fearing mouth. Not only is her favourite show allegedly "That's So Raven", but witness this, from the website: "Watching Whitney Houston on television letting that voice out made me cry to God about how I wanted to become a precious woman..." Can this show get any better?

Name: Sarah Lloyde
Anagram: "Dollars: Yeah!"; "Really Sad Ho"
Likelihood of success: 5/10

I'm hedging my bets on Sarah and her superfluously spelt moniker. Her anagram screams financial success on the one hand, but she could just as equally be a sullen, pathetic, unbankable little slut. We already know that she works in a car wash and doesn't "mind getting dirty". And a brief perusal of that Jacob Butler link from the other day reveals that this woman has been whoring herself out to TV singing competitions for years:

"No deal"

Musically, there are some questions. She sang an Andrews Sisters song for her final performance without any semblance of swing or sass. I have some definite concerns for RSH. On the website, she names Kyle as her favourite judge, claiming that "he like me and was nice to me two years old and still is". This is disturbing on more than one level: dear God, what happened to this woman when she was 2 years old at the hand of Cholesterol Demon Sandilands that she can no longer form grammatical sentences? Poor bitch has been so fundamentally interfered with that she can't even differentiate between sensations: to prepare for performances she claims to "warm up of course, and try to chill". Llordy. Goode llucke to her.

Name: Sally Van Der Zwart
Anagram: "Lazy Servant Drawl"
Likelihood of success: 2/10

What can be said about Sally? She is VERY ALERT. That's about it. Nine million letters and not one instructive anagram to be had, other than foreshadowing her bogan accent: curse you, woman. Over at the website, Sally tells us that one of her favourite musicians is "Bono (U2)". That was a bit obscure; thanks for the heads up Sally. Sally also thinks being a good indicator of star quality is "being able to light up a room as soon as you walk in". Sally is easily impressed, and potentially often in the dark. And that's all we'll ever need to know about Sally.

Name: Rosie Ribbons
Anagram: "Brie Ribs Soon"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

According to the website, and supported by her anagram, Rosie's favourite food is cheese, which is a concern. Nonetheless, she was the last one into the semi-finals, taking the Klancie spot over Cyndi Dietrich. In a display of irrefutable, alarmingly unfussy logic prior to being selected, Rosie revealed her motivations for singing: "I don't believe I'm not supposed to sing." Living life this way must be exhausting, planning your future on the basis of signs that have failed to arrive. Not winning UK Pop Idol was obviously not a big enough hint. But let's be fair: she finished 6th on that show, even releasing 2 singles (one of which went as high as #12 on the UK chart) and securing a multi-million pound record deal. The label died in the arse. Rosie moved to Dubbo. As you do. Still, I have a feeling about this one.

Name: Morgan Hosking
Anagram: "Honking Orgasm"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

Ms Orgasm absolutely screams "promising" - the little we have seen of her has been suitably impressive. She also screams "Emo", which is beyond doubt because she dyes her hair black and wears a crucifix, and is further bolstered by her favourite show being "Happy Tree Friends & Friends", a show about cartoon characters being brutally injured and killed. Her favourite movie is "Fern Gully", a movie about cartoon characters under threat of death by environmental disaster. It really is a thrill-a-minute with Ms Orgasm. Ideally, she will make make the finals so she can sing something from Tool's Lateralus, her favourite album, in Rock Week, during which she might even cut herself. We can only hope.

Name: Daniel Mifsud
Anagram: "Semi-Final Dud"
Likelihood of success: 8/10

On the basis of his over-exposure, you'd think this maniacally scarf-obsessed, repulsively hirsute competitor would be a shoe-in. However, our Anagram Oracle says otherwise. We should be so lucky. This guy has clearly not had a shower since his first audition, appearing in the same disgusting jacket-and-scarf ensemble at every available opportunity, which means the ensemble is a deliberate stylistic choice made for calculated reasons and please hand me a knife so I can scrape the grease off my fingers as I continue to type this Daniel-associated filth. His only potentially saving grace is a sense of humour: in his website profile, he repeatedly invokes a love of 80s power ballads and in particular Michael Bolton. Bring on Michael Bolton Week.

Name: Matt Corby
Anagram: "Ratty Comb"
Likelihood of success: 10/10

Hillsong's latest poster-boy and future Neighbours star is a guaranteed finalist and the likely victor at this point. No need to consult the Anagram Oracle, which in any event only foretells the future complexities of Matt's hyper-stylised hair maintenance. His voice, or what we have seen of it, is sensational, and his musicianship appears top-notch too. The only concern, according to the website, is that Matt will thank "his parents and church" when he wins. Given that he believes Elvis is God (also according to the website), which church is he referring to? ("I'm not comfortable with this flippant discussion topic" - Tarisai Vushne)

Name: Marty Simpson
Anagram: "My Son's Armpit"
Likelihood of success: 8/10

I don't have a son, and neither does he, but there's something appropriately musty and unwashed about Marty's new moniker: This is a man who reverberates with funk in every sense of the word, with one of the most distinctive voices of the competition. It seems to matter little that he is under threat of vicious attack from his own eyebrows: I think he's an excellent shot to take the second slot in his group of 6.

Name: Mark Da Costa
Anagram: "A Dark Mascot"
Likelihood of success: 5/10

A dark horse, perhaps? I wouldn't know, I don't even know who the fuck this is, which bodes well for his potential. Mark has apparently been gigging for years, but only chose to become a professional singer on the basis of Damien Leith's ludicrous sales of his live winner's album. It's unclear what Mark hopes to gain from the experience since he's up against Lyall, Marty and Swimmer Dave in his group of 6, but he claims to see Idol as "another bite at the cherry" so it's obviously all about the oral sex. Nice one.

Name: Madison Pritchett
Anagram: "Constipated Mirth"
Likelihood of success: 6/10

I couldn't tell you what Madison has sung, but she seems strangely familiar.

Harsh, I know, but unmistakable to me. And it seems we'll be getting some decent value from Madison and her bizarrely angular face: not only does her anagram promise she won't give us the shits, but we'll also be laughing. I look forward to it.

Name: Lyall Adonis
Anagram: "Nasally Idol"; "Sly Anal Idol"
Likelihood of success: 9/10

A victim of child abuse - "Mum and her friends had such delight in dressing me up and making me give concerts to them when I was 5 years old..." - Lyall is spurred on by the advice of his mother: "No-one will discover you in your bedroom." Except her friends, that is. Guy Sebastian Version 2.0 is named after a God, is appealingly humble and has one of the finer male voices. It's all looking good, so long as he is the latter and not the former of his anagrammatic Idol identities.

Name: Lana Krost
Anagram: "Oral Stank"
Likelihood of success: 4/10

For some reason, Lana makes me think of Hello Kitty. Is it just me?

"Does Australia think I have it in me?" Lana rhetorically mused as the credits rolled on Monday night's episode. Not sure, but I'm certain at least half of the viewership would happily put it in you, love. Pity your vocal is set to stink. At least Lana has a refreshing take on the usefulness of Idol as a medium of unearthing untalent: "Because it acts as a stepping stone for people who are just beginning their career or for those at the end of it. " Quite.

Name: Junior To'o
Anagram: "Out Or Join"
Likelihood of success: 6/10

It could clearly go either way for Joseph Gahetau Version 2.0. We can thank him at the least for bringing apostrophes back. And, um, Junior is planning on wearing "black letter pants" during the competition. So he's bringing innovative fashion back to'o. Sweet.

Name: Jesse Curran
Anagram: "Nu Crass Jeer"
Likelihood of success: 6/10

Jesse has cast herself as a De Rouge-ite in her promotional pics. This can't possibly be a good thing. However, whereas Kate channelled John Farnham, Jesse claims to be the Tim Winton of music. I love me some Winton writing but this also can't possibly be a good thing. Australia does not need another Kasey Chambers or Lisa Mitchell. It needs another Young Diva understudy, or perhaps someone to sing overtop of a Paul Mac dance beat. Will the reaction be a crass jeer of sorts from a pop-heavy demographic, or is Mildura the new Bendigo?

Name: Jacob Butler
Anagram: "O Abject Blur!"
Likelihood of success: 3/10

By his own admission, Jacob's only alternative is to explore music journalism if this fails. He didn't have the X Factor and I'm pretty sure he's not the Idol either, but his self-deprecating style and dinkum appreciation of the mere opportunity will shield him from the inevitable fall. He's really not ageing well, is he? And so quickly - 22 to 27 in just 2 years. Amazing. Interestingly, both the show and the website completely overlook his X Factor incarnation. This is probably for the best.

Name: Jack Byrnes
Anagram: "By Jerk Scan"
Likelihood of success: 4/10

The only way Jack makes it is if his fellow competitors are exposed as jerks. He has a clear earnestness about him which should make this easy, but he's up against a cast of thousands of the same ilk. It would be nice to see him win though, if only to hear the thank you speech. On the website Jack plans to thank "my mother and the public, both of these would have been instrumental up to that point. And my father, who I wouldn't be here without." This is gold: Mum and viewers, you rock; Dad, thanks for the sperm!

Name: Husny Thalib
Anagram: "Nail Thy Bush"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

There's a lot to love about Husny. He's not particularly strong vocally but he names Aailiyah, Kate Bush, Britney and Madonna as genuine idols, prances about the stage with the noir theatre of a neo-Boy George and sang "Papa Don't Preach" in his audition. This must continue, if only so we can see him perform "Babushka".

Name: Holly Weinert
Anagram: "Telly Hero Win?"
Likelihood of success: 5/10

Holly brings such a freshness to Idol because she's from the country, is blonde and has a guitar. TRAILBLAZER ALERT. However, she appears to enjoy suspenders, which is novel and an entirely more palatable accessory than scarves. Other than that it's difficult to tell if she will be capable of an heroic semi-final victory alongside Jocelyn Wildenstein, Ms Orgasm, Rosie and The Lloyyddee.

Name: Dave Andrews
Anagram: "Adverse Dawn"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

Swimmer Dave gave a captivating acoustic rendition of Radiohead's "Karma Police" in his final audition, wearing a dubious satin shirt. Together with Lyall Adonis, he probably isn't a candidate for anti-aggression therapy, barely whimpering, "we both desire this equally" with all the desperate diplomacy of Amanda Vanstone in a Middle Eastern jail when asked if he should win the coveted last semi-final position. It's difficult to know whether an adverse dawn awaits us or him; I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on the basis of that excellent audition.

Name: Cheray Doughty
Anagram: "Ye Achy Drought"; "The Grouchy Day"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

Hooray for Cheray: she's cute as a button, and on being selected for the final 24 her first thought was for the children she teaches, her tears unpretentiously spilling forth. I like Cheray a lot and think she has the most substance of all the blonde guitar-wielding brigade. She also has an impeccable musical pedigree, having a famous songwriting father (Ray Burton) and having experienced first-hand Carl Risely's trumpet. Will her drought be ended come semi-final time, or does a grouchy day await?

Name: Carl Risely
Anagram: "Real Lyrics"; "Rally Cries"
Likelihood of success: 6/10

Speaking of Carl: Idol's resident hunk is a welcome addition to this year's bunch, if only to prompt a weekly moistening chez Marcia. Sister-girlfriend expressed a passion for horn-playing at Carl's audition, even claiming, implausibly, "I could hear it in your voice that you're a trumpet player". We shouldn't be surprised by this: Marcia has always had an ear (and an eye) for talented mouths, particularly where their owner also has a penis. This naval musician will be blowing his own trumpet at some stage, and will no doubt begin trumpeting his share of navels as the series progresses, rendering his "real lyrics" somewhat superfluous. A sure thing were he not up against Husny, Matt and Scarf-face. Now that blows.

Name: Brianna Carpenter
Anagram: "Carpenter In A Barn"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

Methinks we've only just begun with this particular carpenter, the neo-Chanel if ever there was one. Except this one also happens to be the female Dylan, adopting a similarly laboured "My hair is asymmetrical, therefore I am quirky & indie!" presentation philosophy. She does get bonus points for naming her favourite film as "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" though, and her first audition was interesting. But so was Lisa's and we know how that ended up. De facto points as well for eliciting two of this year's best one-liners from the judges: Marcia's "Bringing colour to this show is my job"; and Kyle's "You can bring the Lindy Chamberlain haircut". Nice work team.

Name: Ben McKenzie
Anagram: -
Likelihood of success: 2/10

Fittingly, Ben's name is impossible to turn into an anagram, reflecting how we have all by now lost the will to live - if you're still reading. I think that basic energy level will be mirrored in the public reaction to Ben, who at barely 16 is still audibly adapting to his freshly broken voice.

And there you finally have it. Semi-finals begin on Sunday night, continuing ALL WEEK. S2BC officially endorses Matt Corby, Cheray Doughty and Husny Thalib at this early stage.

Stay tuned for the conclusion of S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Idol Performances later this week.

AI5: Straight Lines To The Semi-Finals

2007-08-19T22:38:00.000+10:00

This is where things start to get interesting.

The recessive gene pool of tone-deaf middle Australia has taken its bruised egos and banana suits back home for another year, to make way for the genuinely entertaining drama of group performance preparation and, occasionally, to some talent.

The Seymour Centre stage of proceedings has been home to some of Idol's trashiest and most memorable moments. In Season 3 it gave us Chris Luder's unforgettable rendition of Terrence Trent D'Arby's "Sign Your Name"; last year we painfully bore witness to Klancie Keough's verge-of-death blubbering of "Me? Did you say me?!" on being told she'd made the semi-finals; and who could forget, also from last year, the inimitable Jorge Bec.

Jorge was the guy who alleged to be 30 despite looking about 37, whose face was constantly lacquered in a fine sheen, who vigorously asserted his "metrosexual" status and who inanely explained that by having announced his desire to leave, he actually meant simply "leave the lyrics". Good times.

The editors have this year passed the honorary Jorge Bec mantle to Jasmine Anderson, the girl from NT who in her audition impressively switched from song to song at a moment's notice. Since arriving at the Seymour Centre, Jasmine has:

- experienced nodules;
- threatened to quit;
- somehow made it through her audition;
- baselessly expressed a distaste for the lyrical prowess of Daniel Johns; and
- announced, implausibly, that her music "touches people" when she sings.

Mark Holden also entertainingly labelled her a "miserable cow" in a beautifully staged hotel room episode. It seems futile for Jasmine to continue after that event, given that the editors have positioned her as the One To Hate. There is no coming back from that, I'm afraid.

Elsewhere, did we all notice the Who's Who of reality TV singing competitions returning for another dubious tilt at glory?

Chubby-cheeked Jacob Butler from Channel 10's woeful X Factor is still plugging away. It's been just 2 years since that botched abortion of a show, during which Jacob claimed to be 22. Now he's 27. Go figure.

Sarah Gardner is in there, too. Remember her? Sarah finished 3rd in the pathetic fourth series of Popstars, despite singing like a wounded gerbil - wounded in exactly the way you're currently imagining. Of course, no-one watched that dreadful piece of shit, so it is perhaps pointless to scrutinise the voting result. It's been 3 years since that show and Sarah is still persisting with an apparent joint passion for music and blond highlights.

The show's producers appear to have already anointed Daniel Mifsud as a potential winner, according him a significant portion of airtime in tonight's episode. I'm going to come right out and say it: I'm not particularly a fan of his drab voice and penchant for scarves. Scarves are a useful winter accessory designed to provide warmth, but Daniel sees only their aesthetic value, electing to drape one uselessly across his shoulder while exposing his repulsive chest in a v-neck t-shirt. Plus, he committed one of the cardinal Idol sins of performing a song memorably sung by a past performer - "Green Limousine", which Chanel ably used to test the waters of the Final 12 in Season 2. So, no points for Daniel.

My picks so far: Lyall Adonis and Cyndi Dietrich, who both possess names tailor-made for a recording career. The latter was unfortunate to cop the brunt of the judges' wrath in Jasmine's group performance; she actually has one of the loveliest female voices I've heard this year.

Quotes of the night:

"If I mention your name, please step forward." - Marcia

I love this. It's as though Marcia is preparing to launch into a monologue a-propos of nothing, during which she just might, in passing, simply mention one of the performers on stage. Perhaps.

"You approached that melody tenderly, lovingly and caringly." - Marcia
"I'm pretty not relaxed." - Unrelaxed Male Performer

Tomorrow night's episode seems poised to give the drama of last year a run for its money. At the least, it appears that one particular sister-girlfriend will be channelling God in her performance, much to Marcia's delight.

Perhaps we'll also be treated to the suite of what transpired under that umbrella between James and Andy G. You could so easily imagine James cooing "Come into me, come into me", Rihanna-style, into Andy's ear, don't you think?

Until tomorrow night, why not revisit S2BC's ongoing Top 20 All-Time Australian Idol Performances. Numbers 8 and 7 coming up shortly.

S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Australian Idol Performances: 10-9

2007-08-15T22:39:00.000+10:00

This retrospective is a hell of a lot more fun than watching tired, derivative audition episodes, no? Let's get on with the Top 10. But like any good orgasm, this one is all the more enjoyable when prolonged, so we're going to go two at a time (also like any good orgasm).

10. Damien Leith, "Wicked Game" (Season 4, Top 7)

Readers of this site may remember that I wasn't very enamoured of Damien during last year's series. But this performance rewards repeat listens: for non-fans of his falsetto, this song is replete with rich, astute, acoustic melody, with able and memorable guitar self-accompaniment to boot. And what an amazing feat of mimicry. His voice lends itself so beautifully to Chris Isaak's brand of crooning. Outside of Hayley's "Angel" (No. 17 in this countdown), there has perhaps never been an Idol rendition more spine-tinglingly deserving of comparison to the original.

9. Ricki-Lee Coulter, "Proud Mary" (Season 2, Top 10)

Ricki-Lee is this week Number 2 in the ARIA singles chart with "Can't Touch It", a re-imagining of themes first invoked by MC Hammer. Although the song itself sounds suspiciously similar to "Hit Me Up", Gia Farrell's haunting 2006 hymn to domestic violence from the Happy Feet soundtrack, it's a thoroughly deserved debut from Idol's most marketable chipmunk. A great set of lungs - she has one of the sexiest growls of any Australian singer - and, especially, an all too early exit from Idol. Thankfully, we have this gem for posterity. She's got her Tina on something chronic hair-wise, perhaps ill-advisedly, but she was never a more commanding presence than here. I can't remember seeing any other Idol contestant own and explore the stage more naturally and assuredly than in this performance. Extra points for the savvily timed coos and grunts (most notably in the last second). A Young Diva indeed.

Numbers 8 and 7 coming soon...

N.B. For those waiting with baited breath, please note that numbers 8 through 1 do not include anyone from Season 3. ("Thank Christ" - The World)

S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Australian Idol Performances: 15-11

2007-08-14T00:17:00.000+10:00

Feedback so far to the Great S2BC Idol Revision Project of 2007 has been feverish. There has been surprising support for Jenny Eyelash, predictable vitriol reserved for the Damien falsetto, and understandable concern for Paulini's limp, wet hair. With the next instalment we inch closer to the real deal.

15. Chanel Cole, "Constant Craving" (Season 2, Top 8)

Oh, Chanel. How we miss you. This performance was not her best, but it earns a mention for two reasons: its bewitching simplicity, showcasing Chanel's sensibilities as a musician; and its status as an unexpected but thoroughly satisfying duet. That's right: the beginning features a captivating, sparse and ethereal rendition of the k.d. lang classic by Chanel, while the back end features a huge, fuck-off bitch session courtesy of the Marcia God. Remember that relationship? Please do yourself "a favour" and watch the entire YouTube clip, as it is the best snapshot of the Marcia/Chanel enmity recorded for all posterity (except, perhaps, for Marcia's frenzied dusting of her own shoulders after Chanel approached the judges' table during her departure performance). Marcia never hated Chanel more than at the end of this performance. When she spits, "Sometimes you need to find a belt moment," you immediately sense that she is envisaging a Hutchence-style fate for Chanel. Gold.

14. Jessica Mauboy, "Beautiful" (Season 4, Top 10)

One of two standout performances of last year's series. Jessica had just burst out into the lead the previous week with a blistering Kelly Clarkson cover, but following which she copped a serve from Kyle for the junk in her teenage trunk. She served it right back with an unexpectedly assured rendition of Xtina's self-acceptance anthem, built beautifully from start to finish. Jessica is a Young Diva now, which means she will either end up starved like Paulini or endorsing Krispy Kreme with Kate De Rouge. Time will tell.

13. Casey Donovan, "The Flame" (Season 2, Top 6)

Speaking of Krispy Kreme, this is the first of three entries for one of the most deserving winners in Idol history, who also had the best microphone usage style. The label "storyteller" is often bandied about too freely in performance terms on this show, but Casey embodies it, and it's probably why we warmed to her so convincingly. This performance is an excellent example: she does nothing but waddle around the stage in flat shoes, and yet she connects. The strength of it is even clearer on mp3, where the pure and assertive vocal sounds devastatingly close to recorded quality. It's all the more powerful when you remember that this was the follow-up performance to her ridiculous "Eleanor Rigby" debacle. Class.

12. Paulini Curuenavuli, "Freeway of Love" (Season 1, Top 6)

Hilariously, this is the performance that earned Paulini a Bottom 2 finish alongside Levi. History tells us that it was the first of a series of misguided public responses, with the poster-girl for that sorry situation arriving in the form of Ricki-Lee mid-way through the next season. Paulini worryingly continues her drenched Medusa look, draped in some sort of hideous orange kaftan, but she pretends to drive a car during the performance, which is virtually reason enough for praise (see also Sophie Monk in the video for Bardot's seminal pop masterpiece "I Need Somebody"). This was Paulini's finest hour, a note-perfect, masterfully key-changing, up-tempo pop jaunt, with her legs akimbo the whole time. ("That's my girl!" - Marcia)

11. Chanel Cole, "When I Get Low, I Get High" (Season 2, Auditions)

What can be said about this? This was one out of left field and still astounds with its bravado, quirkiness and originality. The slightly edited version that was screened (and which forms the basis of the YouTube clip) doesn't convey the full sense of magic of the full performance, only available on the Top 12 DVD (which, of course, I not only own but also occasionally sleep with). It's vocally arresting, it's cheekily coquettish, and it proves why Chanel remains one of only a handful of contestants on this show that can be described as a "performer". Watch out for a sensational bonus visual rendering of the patented Marcia "No you di'int" pose, when Marcia realises this bonkers girl can actually sing. "You're the cutest thing ever," spouts Marcia. Oh, how things change.

Stay tuned for the Top 10.

S2BC's Top 20 Australian Idol Performances: 20 -16

2007-08-11T13:50:00.000+10:00

We're only two weeks away from meeting the latest batch of Australian Idol semi-finalists and from the Idol performance juggernaut commencing in earnest.

Until then, while the tired recipe of fools and tools are being levelled at us in the audition shows, it's perhaps an ideal time to revisit the best moments of the past. Over the next little while, I'll be revealing what I consider to be the 20 best performances of the last 4 years of Idol. This has involved re-watching every single performance that is available on YouTube or elsewhere, including semi-final performances.

"Are you INSANE"

It's highly likely. There were certainly some doozies, but also some absolute belters that made the effort well worth it. Let's get the Top 20 underway, shall we?

(Just FYI, clicking on the play button will allow you to watch the video within S2BC, while clicking on the actual video will navigate you away to the YouTube page.)

20. Dan England, "Try A Little Tenderness" (Season 3, Semi-Finals)

Remember Mutley? It all turned to shit later on for Jon Butler Lite, but you would never have known with this assured debut. The song is an Otis Redding classic, and Dan tackled it with a faithful arrangement, imbuing actual tenderness into his delivery with a sparse intro supported only by a piano. What makes it special is that it's completely note-perfect: he'd barely need to re-cut this for a studio release. And then there's that distinctive voice, which was never better. However, it was his only good performance. By the time he was eliminated in fourth place, he'd eaten his body weight in Big Macs and taken to phoning in listless, uninteresting performances with all the charisma of a sewing needle. A shame, because the beginning was so promising.

19. Paulini Curuenavuli, "Fields of Gold" (Season 1, Top 6 Up Close & Personal)

This performance is a triumph of restraint. Paulini had just come off the shock of a Bottom 2 finish at a time when she was leading the betting, but instead of resorting to the usual vocal gymnastics to win back votes, she dished out this classy, syrupy rendition of the Sting classic. The control in her lower register is especially luscious - the song's title and the smoothness of Paulini's voice seem aptly matched - while her annoying, Callea-style microphone-tapping is kept well at bay. A delight.

18. Jessica Mauboy, "Night of My Life" (Season 4, Top 2)

This song is perhaps the greatest of the 4 Idol winners' singles, but it's Jessica's performance of it that is the least congratulated. It's a stirring, commanding vocal, during which Jessica expertly wrenches maximum emotion from the key change at the end of the bridge. Damien's victory was a just result, but Jessica owned this song from start to finish. She went in to the finale as the favourite, but we should know by now how these things turn out. ("Indeed" - Zach)

17. Hayley Jensen, "Angel" (Season 2, Semi-Finals)

At S2BC we came to know her as the bogan Canberran interloper Jenny Eyelash, who outstayed her welcome by about 11 weeks. It became painfully apparent after the semi-finals that Hayley was a one-trick pony with a lone Sarah McLachlan string to her bow, but what a string. Her mimicry of the trademark McLachlan vocal break is very impressive, and the gentle rendition of this song is almost mesmerising. It was the only time I could tolerate Hayley, but it's a performance I re-listen to regularly.

16. Damien Leith, "Crying" (Season 4, Top 4)

There was a lot of same-ness about Damien's histrionic, overwrought falsetto that seemed to pervade every performance. But two particular performances benefitted from it, and this was one of them. He builds the intensity beautifully here, from the tender intro through to the mournful bellow of the "Crying" refrain that subtly hinted at his suitability for opera (which he would later ram down our throats with the musical laxative Nessun Dorma), before undermining all his hard work by thanking the crowd like a lephrechaun in a theme park.

Stay tuned for the next instalment as the week moves on. Until then, if you enjoyed Memory Lane, take a look back at This Week In Idol last year and in 2005.

Idol No. 5: The Marcia God Keeps It Real

2007-08-05T23:34:00.000+10:00

Like the warmest of security blankets, that familiar Sunday night companion Australian Idol has returned to our lounge rooms for a fifth consecutive year.

"I'm moistening at the mere thought of it"

As well we all should. By all accounts, we are going to be treated to a year unlike the previous four, for several exciting reasons.

1. This year is taking place later in time!
2. Auditions were held in Mildura!
3. There are now four judges!
4. For the first time, the Marcia God appears to be sporting REAL HAIR!

"I heart my nipples"

There is, however, one constant. Although we all farcically imagine that the show's purpose is to unearth a new star, the reality is that the entire production has always principally been a vehicle for showcasing the uniquely zany brilliance of the Marcia God. This year is no different.

In tonight's first episode, we caught a brief glimpse of her singular grasp of logic ("I wanna take off these high heels and kick your ass with them!") as well as her familiar fetishes ("I wanna put my fist down your mouth!").

She's also put some pearlers on display on the slightly more detailed official website, which this year features bios for each of the judges. Marcia's includes a peek into her past, where she reveals that her first employment was...

cleaning in a bank and candy stripper in a hospital (2 jobs)

NO FUCKING WAY. Bank Cleaner and Hospital Candy Stripper are different jobs? Also, what the fuck is a candy stripper? Was she employed to remove the wrappers from Fantales for people with Parkinsons? Or was there more sinister Hines booty action in the emergency room?

Alongside Marcia this year we mercifully have a returned Dicko, the show's prodigal son and the most consistently accurate truth-teller in the show's history. For all his mediatised nasty judge image, his appraisals are actually for the most part delivered with real wit and insight, give or take a bit of brutal honesty. This is in stark contrast to the fuckwit Kyle, who is capable of even less wit than Daryl Somers' arsehole. I am thrilled to have Dicko back at the helm to return the show to its former glory, to capitalise on last year's worthy winner and erase the DeRouge DeBacle from our minds for good.

Of course, before the good stuff arrives on our screens, we have to again dredge through the obligatory and unlistenable filth of the auditions. Now, I love a bit of car crash television as much as the next person, but I will never understand the repeated insistence of this show's producers to structure the audition and editing process in such a way as to focus on the talentless hacks. There are only so many hopelessly ugly retards dressed as bananas that we can take as an annual audience.

Still, there was fun to be had. For example:

- The guy who declared his own voice to be "a strong, powerful voice that not many other people can sing with". Not many others? Does that mean that there are a small number of people who actually do sing with his voice? Anatomically perplexing, but impressive.

- The hack who labelled herself a singer-songwriter with a degree from the VCA and who described her own voice as "angelique".

- James Mathison's hilarious summary of one girl's horrendous rendition of Fergie's Glamorous as a "flopsy-wopsy".

- That greasy, horny guy who auditioned with his girlfriend with a song entitled "You & Me & Your Mother Simultaneously". There is never a wrong time for a decent bit of Your Mom humour. Nice.

- The Asian self-proclaimed hip-hop guru named "Noodle-arse". I can't even decide on what to say about this brilliantly awful moniker.

- The girl who spoke for her fellow rejects when she cried, "I thought I was special but obviously I'm not". Yes, that's right. Nothing like a rude awakening on national television.

More to come tomorrow night - stay tuned.

Doggone Aleisha

2007-07-31T14:56:00.000+10:00

Here at S2BC, the general rule is that women are better than men in virtually every aspect of life. Female actors, singers, tennis players and especially reality TV contestants are without exception far superior to their male counterparts.

So you'd think I'd be a little more elated about the prospect of a cute young woman, who's lived a hard life but somehow remained chirpy and unannoying, winning Big Brother and thereby taking home close to half a million bucks.

Aleisha, the latest winner, is only the 2nd woman in seven series to emerge victorious. This should be good news, except:

- There were exactly zero unobjectionable female alternatives in the entire series (outside of the train wreck entertainment value afforded by ~~Anna Paquin~~ TJ), thereby making Aleisha's achievement less impressive.

- Her series was propelled by perhaps the show's most notable "we need a female to win!" urgency, epitomised by the producers' decision to put only males up for elimination one particular week. Hello favouritism.

- Aleisha fits neatly into Australia's favourite type of female reality TV personality: inoffensive, non-threatening looks (cute but not remotely sexually alluring); strong but vulnerable, preferably from the country; and resoundingly vague.

- She beat Zach, the the show's favourite ~~daughter~~ son, the only true genre-breaker and the producer's choice. ("Look! Zach is losing! Vote your arses off!")

So it's all a bit unsurprising. But let's not break out into the annual, customary cries of disappointment (e.g. "Let's commit suicide because Australian voters are fuckwits!") and instead take stock of the positives (in the style of "Booya, faggots of Australia sure nuff nearly notched one up!"):

1. Travis, the Ben/Peter/Trevor prototype did not make the final 2.

2. Billy, the Logans/Jamie prototype did not make the final 2.

3. Zach, a flamboyant corset-making queer whose priorities quite rightly centre on Paris Hilton, product used in Gretel's hair and attendance at Christina Aguilera concerts, almost won as an intruder, by simply being an unbitchy, adorable, likeable gay.

4. Zach's mum has a friend called Deirdre! Who travelled with her to Queensland the first time Zach was nominated, as she breathtakingly revealed in the house. And my, isn't Zach the spitting image of Mum?

5. Zach has a new nephew called Reiger, and was suitably apprehensive about the naming when informed of it by his parents in the house. Bless.

6. Aleisha is now cognisant that she needs to attend to that nasty mole wedged in to the crevice between her nose and cheek.

7. Bodie threw a rubber chicken at Gretel's head.

8. Hayley didn't refer to having any legal qualifications, and sensibly wore a belt to distract from her elongated arse.

9. The producers were desperately gagging for a Zach victory, making a Mardi Gras-style float, revealing the voting graph early on and even stretching the show out FOREVER to audit the results and hope against hope that he could snatch the lead away from Aleisha. This has absolutely nothing to do with increasing our spend on voting or creating "drama" for "ratings".

10. We discovered that Emma really is a man, judging by her pelvic thrust onto Aleisha when she mounted the float.

These are all individually important and memorable things, so all is not lost.

Especially since Australian Idol, with the return of the ever sensible Dicko to finally imbue the show with the honest, accurate appraisals it has lacked since his departure, is to return in less than a week.

S2BC will again be taking on obsessive blogging duties for this watershed event. Stay tuned.

Redemption?

2007-07-30T09:31:00.000+10:00

Last night's brilliant eviction of Nostril Demon Billy and the execrable moron Travis have paved the way for one of the most interesting and close finale battles in BB history. I thought it timely to take a look at how Zach and Aleisha fare against their predecessors.

BB01 - Ben v Blair

A devastatingly bland finale after the surprise eviction of Sara-Marie at the penultimate hurdle. Ben, no doubt a stellar bloke, with his reserved, slightly sensitive but ultimately rather boring nature, became one of the leading prototypes for future victors on this show. The finale show itself, however, was well staged, with the "Winner's Walk" taking Ben past each of his fellow housemates in the order of their elimination.

BB02 - Peter v Marty

A virtual repeat of BB01, with the insipid Peter beating identikit country bumpkin Marty. It's surprising that this rancid season didn't spell the end of BB at the time, given its lacklustre band of characters.

BB03 - Reggie v Chrissie

The finale of BB03 was a delightful affair, with the endearingly vacant Reggie besting the splendid and fascinating Chrissie. Although it was difficult to choose a winner between these intriguing personalities on paper, the result was a landslide. In the intervening years Reggie divorced her true love, sold up her fish and chip shop and was a trolley dolly with Virgin for a time before being duped out of her show's winnings, ice skating on a reality show and having a child. Meanwhile Chrissie left her copywriting job to become an immensely popular radio host on the Sunshine Coast. She's back in Melbourne now and can be heard as a sometime fill-in for Hughesy & Kate on Nova. Good times.

BB04 - Trevor v Bree

YAWN. The married, deathly uninteresting Trevor, beat the evicted-by-accident Bree in another landslide. Most housemates on their eviction cited Trevor as the undisputed comic presence in the house, leaving viewers scratching their heads. A complete waste of space. But then, there was no-one even remotely satisfactory to vote for in his place. Even worse than BB02, this horrendous atrocity of a line-up was enough to cure even the most persistent cases of insomnia. That 2 of this particular year's selection of housemates - Bree and Fitzy - have been able to manufacture reasonably sustainable media careers is an indictment on the state of Australian television.

BB05 - Logan Greg v Tim

Possibly the best season on record, if only for the inclusion of the amazing, fabulous Vesna and the refreshingly intelligent Tim, whose presence felt like one long dissertation on irony. However, it ended in tears. Needless to say that had the "2SAVE" vote existed in the Vesna era, we would not have had the most unjust victory in the history of reality television foisted on us - that of Logan Greg. Devastating.

BB06 - Jamie v Camilla

An interesting match-up. The horse-dicked, headband-loving, sensitive would-be poet Jamie against the turkey-slapped, acne-ravaged and emotionally vulnerable Camilla. This was noteworthy because it was the first time since Chrissie in BB03 that the country had rallied around an intelligent female contestant. She would have won were it not for the ridiculously one-sided finale show package, which focused heavily on Jamie's relationship with skank Katie and their reunion, manipulating the viewer vote in his favour. After ditching Katie almost immediately, apparently Jamie has already pissed his winnings up a wall and is now back to personal training at a small Melbourne gym. Meanwhile, Camilla is going great guns on Brisbane radio, and is expecting a child later this year. Bless.

The cumulative effect of these 6 years was to establish a very beige pattern. In essence:

- constestants need to be of a non-threatening ethnic origin, unless allegedly hilarious and surrounded by a bevy of even less deserving candidates;

- contestants need to be a white heterosexual male, not so quiet as to be boring, but minimally opinionated and endearingly sensitive on a basic level;

- in order to win, female contestants need to be inoffensive, vacuous but entertaining bogans. Female contestants who are either fabulously loud, ditzy and amusingly high-energy or intriguing and intelligent may go far, particularly if they reveal themselves to be credibly sensitive and aren't sexy or gorgeous, but will always lose out to the comparatively boring white male.

Thankfully, these rules have been joyously ripped to shreds with the current Final 2.

BB07 - Zach v Aleisha

What we have here is a riotously effeminate gay man and a cute young woman vying for the title. This is unprecedented, particularly after such a woeful season. Both feel deserving - Aleisha has apparently endured a challenging life in terms of personal tragedy and has behaved admirably on the show, while Zach's journey to self-acceptance as a gay man from his beginnings in a small country town would have been equally difficult. Aleisha breaks the mould for female competitors doing well on this show, but it must be said that she was assisted by the mass exodus of her fellow women early on. The true discovery here is Zach. Unlike past brethren led by cry-baby Farmer Dave and this year by odious bitch Nick, Zach is immensely likeable. He has simply been himself and we have embraced him for it. There has been no better crusader for the cause of gay men on national television, and yet he is the most unlikely for such a role. As if it needed pointing out, there is only one satisfactory conclusion to this series:

VOTE "2SAVE" ZACH, AND "2EVICT" ALEISHA.

Gravity's Child

2007-07-26T23:09:00.000+10:00

Naturally, seeing someone injure themselves is almost always funny. But there's virtually nothing more enjoyable than merely watching someone fall.

"Are you referring to my acting and music career"

The Germans cottoned on to this simple pleasure centuries ago, inventing a specific word for it: schadenfreude. Its broad meaning can be roughly translated as "to take delight in someone else's misfortune". Toni Pearen's current "career", on a weekly basis, depends entirely on this notion.

The enjoyment is redoubled when someone who is ordinarily renowned for their style and poise, or whose public status usually requires some semblance of ongoing verticality, trips up hopelessly.

Hence our joy when hideously thin, immensely unlikeable Rachel Smith, Miss USA, tenderised her tush in front of 1 billion people at this year's Miss Universe pageant:

Or when our wretched Prime Minister this week nearly nuked his own noggin:

One of the best examples of a genuinely laughter-inducing fall is in a choreographed group scenario, where a slip up potentially derails others.

Michelle Williams, the rodent-voiced and least famous Destiny's Child member, experienced this first hand a couple of years ago. However, while Kelly (dressed as Beyoncé's Goldmember character) seems briefly concerned by her bandmate's nosedive, Beyoncé is seized by sheer schadenfreude and carries on with an almost visible delight:

And frankly, who can blame her.

But another linguistically foreign notion this week delivered a delayed riposte to Beyoncé: karma.

Enjoy the following:

It's Raining More Than Ever In Nairobi

2007-07-10T23:07:00.000+10:00

S2BC adores the following extremely subtle advertisement, in which the Nairobi advertising industry reveals itself to have been very inspired by the success of Rihanna.

And Craig David, apparently.

Big Brother Goes To Wimbledon

2007-07-08T22:56:00.000+10:00

It received little publicity, but the most audacious reality TV feat in history was achieved late on Saturday night (Melbourne time).

The two behemoths of the genre, Australian Idol and Big Brother, went head-to-head in a sporting-themed event of epic proportions (Saturday Night Games, if you will).

That's right: I'm talking about the exhibition tennis match between Idol's Paulini and BB07's Michelle (pictured together below, allegedly at Wimbledon).

Did anyone see this astonishingly realistic farce? It looked exactly like it was taking place on the hallowed lawns of the All England Club!

Of course, the truth is that it was indeed a real tennis match. It was Ladies' Finals Day at Wimbledon, usually an exciting event when fit players who can actually hit balls over nets are present. One such player turned up - Venus Williams, who also moonlights as an octopus. Her net game and court speed were extraordinary, and she's looking marvellously in shape lately. That being said, it was only a genetic lottery that spared her the same voluminous booty of sister Serena, who for the duration of the match sat sullenly courtside draped in a mumu.

Meanwhile, Venus's opponent, Marion Bartoli, flailed around the court pretending to be some weird hybrid of Monica Seles and Lindsay ~~Davenpig~~ Davenport, except with approximately 4,000 times less speed, power, finesse and skill than that found in either woman's smallest toes.

Venus crushed Bartoli. There were some decent rallies, and it was far from a whitewash, but the commentators were so desperate to make it sound more exciting than it actually was. "6-4, 6-1 is not really indicative of the scoreline," nonsensically quipped the ever eloquent John Newcombe. You fuckwit.

Bartoli amazingly despatched Justine Henin in the semi-finals, in an admittedly spirited display which I witnessed.

This, however, does not change the fact that Bartoli is a terrible player, who has never hit an ace in her life, who will never make a grand slam final again and who clearly likes nothing better than to scoff down 11 or 12 chocolate eclairs before stepping on court.

Apparently, Bartoli's father - who is also her coach - used to offer his daughter a chocolate for every target she hit in tennis practice. She can't have missed many.

As for her alter ego Michelle from BB07, it was that horrendous wench's time to go last night, in yet another unsurprising result. And so we are yet another week closer to an uninspiring finale. Unless Zach manages to - er - come from behind for the victory. That would be nice. He's a lovely person who would be thoroughly deserving for once.

Now, that likeness again:

You hideous woman: please go and love yourself into a coma.

(Not you, Bartoli - you can just go and love yourself back into the 2nd or 3rd round of a grand slam. Any one is fine - you can choose, but just one, you greedy guts.)

Pon De Rihannagram

2007-07-05T16:15:00.000+10:00

Like most inevitabilities, the time has finally come for us all to acknowledge that Rihanna is a complete bitch.

"I've never been so insulted, mahn"

Take it like a bitch, sister-girlfriend: You're a fairweather friend of no fucking use to Melburnians, offering the services of your so-called um-berella during this city's worst period of water restrictions.

Nevertheless, I am forced to concede that "Umbrella" is an infectious gem of a song, expertly leveraging off Rihanna's alto register to give the sexiest, sassiest middle finger to rain in the history of music. Perhaps only MIKA's "Grace Kelly" matches it for capturing the definitive pop flavour of 2007.

It would be easy to simply conclude that the rapid rise in Rihanna's pop culture stocks was - wait for it - precipitated by the song's success!

"Oh no you di'-'nt"

Call it pun de replay, if you will.

In any event, it's perhaps not surprising to see Rihanna appealing to us to join her quest to circumvent the darker side of meteorology. She has always preferred things sunny side up:

However, she has some experience with wind as well:

One thing is certainly clear: Rihanna was born to sing "Umbrella". In making this assertion, I have consulted that time-honoured source of truth and prophecy: the anagram.

Faithful S2BC readers (bless your respective cotton socks) know I loves me some anagram action. It involves re-working the spelling of a person's name to gain insight into their motivations and hidden personalities.

Exhibit 1: RIHANNA = "RAIN? NAH!"

I could, obviously, rest my robust and unchallengeable case there. But the insights into Rihanna become even more interesting when we add her last name (Fenty).

Exhibit 2: RIHANNA FENTY = "FANNY HAIR-NET"

This is a surprise. I would have picked Rihanna as a subject for total waxing, or at the least a Brazilian. This might be because her real first name is actually Robyn. That's right: Robyn Fenty! She sounds like she should be sitting at a desk processing forms (e.g. in the style of Medicare, HBA), no?

Exhibit 3: ROBYN FENTY = "F___' BONY ENTRY"

That's more like it. Rihanna is extremely slim, managing to make curling up on a single-seated wooden chair look comfortable.

Now all of this is really leading up to the proper challenge of using Rihanna's full name for prophetic purposes. Since Rihanna is actually her second name, what are we left with?

Exhibit 4: ROBYN RIHANNA FENTY = "HORNY INFANT NEARBY"

This makes complete sense because Rihanna is barely legal (now 19, but 17 back when the replay was initially ponned), and yet already a total slut. She manages to regularly exhibit tendencies somehow simultaneously aligned both with childhood simplicities and heightened sexual awareness.

For example, Rihanna is secretly a crazed fan of peek-a-boo.

"Who needs umbrellas"

Sometimes she plays it innocently ("Hi I'm in a cutesy pink jacket!"), other times coquettishly ("I invite you also to take a peek at my developing bosom"). Peek-a-boob, perhaps.

Of course, she may just desperately want us all to know she's just a girl "from the hood". If by "hood" you mean a gorgeous tropical island, where she was privately educated and where a ski jacket would be entirely unnecessary and perhaps even an incendiary risk. Thank goodness there is a fire extinguisher handy.

And lastly:

Exhibit 5: ROBYN RIHANNA FENTY = "ANOTHER BRINY FANNY"

Again, this makes complete sense on two levels. Firstly, brine is synonomous with fish. Secondly, brine is a salty substance, and Rihanna adores being lathered in salty substances. In "Umbrella", she repeatedly implores: "Come in to me. Come in to me." Dirty whore.

How misleading and deceptive: She's clearly not averse to being showered upon at all.

What did I tell you? A complete bitch.

Spice Rack

2007-06-29T15:25:00.000+10:00

By now we are all aware the Spice Girls are re-forming in order to earn a few squillion pounds and attempt to re-ignite their fading flames of celebrity.

Can it really be 9 years since Geri's infamous departure? Or 7 since their deplorable last album as a foursome?

Few images better convey the sheer passage of time than this one.

"Hello, this escalator is symbolic of our bank balance"

The no-longer-all-that-young lasses gathered side by side for the first time in what feels like Forever reinforce just how foreign the zeitgeist of their former alter egos now seems.

This is partly due to the fact they each appear to have adopted new aliases.

Scary thinks she's Shaznay Lewis (oh the irony)
Sporty thinks she's Emma Peel from The Avengers
Ginger thinks she's Di Smith from A Country Practice
Baby thinks she's Kate Bosworth
Posh thinks she's a flotation device

Seriously, what is going on with Victoria's rack? She has, after all, just moved to California with hubby, so it is possible that that's not really Posh in that photo and in fact the other four have just been snapped visiting Madame Tussaud's. The alternative is that Posh is showing off the new life-size Victoria Beckham figurine by Mattel.

Whatever the case, it will be good for pop music to have some actual output from its most famous poster girls, instead of just sub-standard solo albums, famous fucks and subsequent offspring.

Darkchild 2007